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A checklist for the male sports fan who thinks he's with it

With its June issue, Gentleman's Quarterly is celebrating its 30th anniversary of showing American men clothes they cannot afford. To pop the cork for the occasion, the editors of GQ took it upon themselves to list 99 musts for the cultured 30-year-old male, besides, of course, owning a dozen $300 belts. By the time a man is 30, GQ insists, he should, among other things, own a power drill; be able to make dinner for eight; have spent the night in a jail, a monastery, a youth hostel or a Motel 6; be able to speak another language; and have a periodontist.

But why only 99 musts? Why not 999? Why not 9,099? In the age of the information explosion, the 30-year-old man needs more specific guidance. And cab fare, if possible. Ever helpful, then, we offer up our own musts for the male sports sophisticate. By the time he's 30, he should

1) Have stopped wearing metal spikes to softball games;

2) Have eaten a bratwurst with sauce at Milwaukee County Stadium, a burrito at Jack Murphy Stadium or a Dodger Dog;

3) Own season tickets;

4) Have coached the Knicks at least once;

5) Have ruined at least one promising relationship over sports;

6) Have stopped after Rocky II;

7) Have thrown at least one hellacious knuckleball;

8) Have stopped doing the Wave;

9) Have run with the bulls at Pamplona, imbibed a cocktail at a Georgia-Florida game or tasted strawberries and cream at Wimbledon;

10) Own a hat from a defunct pro sports league;

11) Admit he bowls;

12) Have stopped bringing a glove to major league baseball games;

13) Be able to explain Bobby Knight;

14) Tell the truth on line calls;

15) Have tossed his baseball cards;

16) Have had one childhood sports idol who has died;

17) Be able to name all the teams in the Smythe Division;

18) Have attempted a putt for more than $100;

19) Know how to turn the wheel during a fishtail;

20) Have won an amusement park stuffed animal at least the size of Chris McCarron;

21) Know what Bevo Francis was;

22) Be able to name four players who wore No. 32;

23) Know the difference between 501,301 and cricket;

24) Be able to let a professional athlete eat his dinner in peace;

25) Have attended a World Series game;

26) Have a good explanation for why the only time he watches figure skating is when Katarina Witt is on;

27) Have hit an opposite-field home run;

28) Be able to name the current holders of the World, Ryder and Davis cups;

29) Have been to Fenway, Wrigley and Chavez Ravine;

30) Have thrown out his Jack Kramer model;

31) Have a line to lay on an umpire other than, "Hey, Blue, you gained a little weight—or did you swallow a Fotomat stand?"

32) No longer own any clothing with his name on the back;

33) Be throwing most of them back;

34) Have stopped reading the sports section first;

35) Own copies of Ball Four, The Boys of Summer and The Dogged Victims of Inexorable Fate;

36) Be able to make a lefthanded layup, a crosscourt topspin shot or a mint julep;

37) Be able to hit a one-iron;

38) Have given up saying, "The opera's not over till the fat lady sings";

39) Have a nagging injury from some glorious sports experience;

40) Have one good sports impression (besides Marv Albert);

41) Have been shown the exit by an usher;

42) Be able to recognize Grant Fuhr;

43) Remember Floyd Little, Gates Brown and Red Klotz;

44) Have lunched with Howard;

45) Know the symbol for "called out on strikes";

46) Be unable to remember a single O.J. Simpson movie;

47) Know how much to tip a caddie;

48) Have become less militant about pro wrestling;

49) Have a nickname that embarrasses him;

50) Have hurt his hand on the rim;

51) Have been in traffic school with Leon Spinks or an elevator with George Steinbrenner or been spilled upon by Tommy Lasorda;

52) Have sworn off ever seeing another movie starring a former Olympic gymnast;

And, of course...

53) Have given up all hope that someday, somewhere, there is a scout waiting to discover him.

Naturally, there are a few musts on this list that I haven't checked off. But I have eight months until my 30th birthday, and that's a long time. Why, in eight months, I may even be a periodontist.