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First Super Bowl? Step This Way

Due to unforeseen circumstances, it looks like we're going to
have to hold another Super Bowl, the sporting event that is to
excitement what Rosie O'Donnell is to the thong bikini. This
year, because the St. Louis Rams and the Tennessee Titans have
never been in a Super Bowl, I'd like the fans of those teams to
review our introductory Super Slide Show in order to get the
most out of their Super Bowl experience. Would somebody get the
lights? Great.

Now, it's important to get to know your host Super Bowl
city--Atlanta. While in Atlanta, be sure to

...Underground Atlanta, with its terrific shopping and
restaurants. What's not so terrific

...Aboveground Atlanta, which is basically a string of Shoney's
restaurants connected loosely by jammed parking lots, many of
them disguised as interstates. Atlanta's a wonderful place to
live if you happen to be a muffler. Going to a Super Bowl in
Atlanta is the equivalent of a honeymoon in Wichita Falls or a
sweepstakes vacation in Biloxi.

Luckily, nobody minds if you make fun of Atlanta, on account of
nobody in Atlanta is from Atlanta. Figures on the number of
Atlanta natives are unreliable, mostly because so few people will
admit that's what they are. However, if there's one thing
Atlantans are proud of, it'

...their baseball team, the Braves, even though one small
element of the club was revealed to be racist and ugly. Of
course, we all know that element

...the Tomahawk Chop. The Braves' owner, Ted Turner, can be just
as offensive, but this week he's only the third strangest owner
in town. The first is this

...Titans owner Bud Adams, the lumpy 77-year-old millionaire who
wears his gray hair long over his ears, much in the style of a
man emerging from a Philippine cave asking if World War II is
over. Adams jilted the city of Houston and took his team to
Tennessee three seasons ago, and poor Houston hasn't fielded a
team since. Which is funny because that's exactly what this

...Rams owner Georgia Frontiere, did five years ago to Los
Angeles, which still doesn't have another team. Of course, L.A.
doesn't seem to want a new team, possibly because it had to put
up with Frontiere all those years. Married seven times, the
72-year-old astrology nut doesn't sign important papers when
Mercury is retrograde, danced at the Silver Slipper in Las Vegas,
was a TV weather girl in Miami and gave her players Cabbage Patch
dolls before a game.

Spotting Georgia in Georgia is only one of the many exciting
things to do during Super Bowl week. You'll love going to the NFL
Experience, which this year added several unique fan-focused

...Waiting in Line Two Hours to Meet Phil Simms or Boomer
Esiason (I Can Never Remember Which Is Which), Paying $5.50 for a
Freaking Hot Dog and the most popular new game, Which Trunk Is
the Fugitive Wide Receiver Hiding In?

Oh, and be sure not to miss one of the most revered Super Bowl
traditions the night before the big game, the time-honored ritual
known as Captain's Choice, wherein each of the teams' captains
leaves his hotel room, his wife and his family and proceeds in
secrecy to one of the host city's more historic urban meeting
points to patronize the

...$40 hooker.

Now, during Super Bowl week, try to meet as many real football
fans as you can because, come opening kickoff, they'll be
watching the game in one of those Shoney's. Instead, you'll be
sitting mostly

...corporate suits, marketing veeps and trophy spouses--the VIPs
who make the Super Bowl the deadest crowd since the one for Mike
Night at the Tomb of the Terra-cotta Soldiers. That's because
only 35% of game tickets go to the two teams, and precious few of
those go to their fans. That can be depressing to the average
football zealot, sort of like finally getting to heaven and
finding only members of the Palm Beach Canasta Club.

Of course, the game will be dreadful and mostly over by the end
of the first quarter (average Super Bowl margin of victory: 16.2
points). In that case, do what all Atlantans do when things go
bad. Find this man,

...Richard Jewell, and blame it on him. He's used to it.


Going to a Super Bowl in Atlanta is the equivalent of a
honeymoon in Wichita Falls or a sweepstakes vacation in Biloxi.