All right, a couple of jokes, but then Jerry Sloan and I have to
100,000 ATTEND BUCS VICTORY CELEBRATION And this may be rubbing
it in. Jon Gruden even stole the Raiders' parade route.
Al Davis is taking the loss hard. He's gone more than a week
without suing anyone.
Keyshawn Johnson says he is finished talking to the media. And he
will continue to hold press conferences until he's satisfied
FREE CLOTHES THROW BACK LEBRON JAMES'S AMATEUR STATUS Help me out
here. Does this mean he's now free to accept a Cavaliers jersey?
LeBron had a busy week. An 88-year-old woman claimed he hit her
car with his new Hummer H2. LeBron, of course, thought he still
had a foul to give.
Meanwhile, are you like me? Are you wondering if Ron Artest will
have to be restrained by his teammates from attending the
In other NBA news, the Celtics have added premium sideline seats
next to the team bench. And this is exciting. Instead of paying
$1,000 a game per ticket, fans will just hand their money to Vin
ARIZONA HOOPSTERS DENY STEALING $80 WORTH OF CANDY FROM VENDING
MACHINE All-America Luke Walton was allegedly just a lookout
while the machine was vandalized. But of course the media gave
him all the credit for the breakin.
In the players' defense, it is the last half of the season. You
know, Crunch time.
Oddly, the same thing happened 10 years ago at Michigan with the
Fab Five. But they only took six 100 Grand bars.
NHL ALL-STAR GAME RETURNS TO EAST-WEST MATCHUP We're lucky. The
league was very close to adopting a brand-new format: teams in
the red against teams in the black.
Mario Lemieux missed the All-Star Game with a groin injury. And
this was after Gary Bettman offered to loan him his groin.
The Rangers fired coach Bryan Trottier and replaced him with team
president and general manager Glen Sather. But don't kid
yourself. Sather had to first be approved by the team president
and general manager.
PETE ROSE MAY BE INDUCTED INTO CANADIAN BASEBALL HALL OF FAME But
first he has to admit he never bet on curling.
The Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame, or, as it's more commonly
known, Ferguson Jenkins's rec room.
Elsewhere, the Mets unveiled bright orange jerseys. Great. That
should make it easier for arriving flights at LaGuardia when the
control tower says, "Make a right at Mo Vaughn."
The man who assaulted Yankees starter David Wells got 45 days in
jail. But he can be released early if he promises to sucker punch
a Red Sox pitcher.
The Red Sox are installing 280 seats on top of the Green Monster.
Tickets will cost $50, with a $35 rebate if you can hit Bernie
Williams with your beer.
MIKE WEIR FIRES 330 TO WIN BOB HOPE CHRYSLER CLASSIC The courses
played a little easy this year. Seriously, when was the last time
you heard David Feherty say, "Alice Cooper...for eagle"?
ARENA FOOTBALL DEBUTS ON NBC It's much more civil than the XFL.
The AFL's big star is "He Dislike Me."
My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Mott the Hoople.
Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)