O.K., if everybody could just take a seat. Uh, John? John Daly,
if you could put the dessert cart down, that'd be great.
Now, you know me--Dan Scruggs, PGA Tour pro, just like all a you.
I called y'all here tonight 'cuz ever since I finished behind
that broad, Annika Sorenstam, my life has been 'bout as much fun
as shavin' with No. 2 sandpaper.
Fans throwin' bras at me as I come onto the greens. Feminine
hygiene products in my locker. That wise guy who keeps standin'
by the ladies' tees holdin' that DAN, YOU HIT FROM HERE! sign.
It's all just so damn amusin' I could bust.
So what if I was the only pro to lose to Annika at the Colonial?
Dan Scruggs ain't ashamed! She's plumb good if you wanna know the
truth! Stop laughin', you damn hyenas! How many a you bums ever
shot 59? O.K., except you, Duval.
The point is, you guys gotta stop mockin' me! I cain't live like
this! And whichever of you jerks changed the name on my locker to
dana--I will hunt you down!
You do damn too know what I mean: You idiots askin' when I'm
gonna sign my endorsement deal with Midol. Writin' my name onto
the LPGA money list. Sneakin' pom-pom headcovers onto my woods.
O.K., so I went to Fort Worth and I lost to a girl. At least I
didn't WD like 17 of you yella bellies! Like you, Bomber! You
fire 78 on Thursday and then tell the press your thyatic nerve
was actin' up. Hail, I don't think humans even have thyatic
And how 'bout you, Sponge? Funny how you turned yer ankle with
one hole to play and yer ball sittin' under that Haagen-Dazs
cart, huh? How'd you turn it, hoppin' the fence on the way to
Hail, 13 of the top 25 of you pigs didn't even play. That's perty
convenient! Like you, Jay Bob! "Wife might go into labor," my
ass! I happen to know you and Darlene are adoptin'!
You jokers have no idea how hard it was bein' paired with Annika.
No wonder Vijay said he wouldn't play with her. It wadn't any
protest! It was self-survival! The damn TV people covered every
shot she hit! Do you know how embarrassin' it is to get outdrove
by a 5'6" Swedish chick? And have all my buddies back in Biloxi
know it? I mean, how'm I supposed to show my face at the Spittoon
Hey, it's not that funny, Mickelson! I mean, she averages 275
yards off the tee! That's longer'n you, Faxxy! She hits 77% of
her greens! That's better'n any of us! For cripessakes, last year
she won 'bout as many tournaments as she lost!
Besides, that's the biggest crowd I ever played in front of in my
daggone life! I was nervous as Craig Stadler at a cannibal
convention. I'm Category 3, you know, lowest rank out here for
startin' times. Usually I get about two Toro mowers watchin' me.
All of a sudden I had 10,000 people. My mouth was dryer'n a stray
dog in Lubbock.
At least I went through with it, unlike that Brit bastard Nigel.
He was s'posed to be our third and backed out at the last second.
I still ain't believin' his excuse--sayin' he didn't wanna be
beat by a "bird." Hail, I been beat by plenny a birds. And
I'm tellin' you, boys, it was like a damn zoo out there! Hail, we
had more reporters'n J.Lo! That Entertainment Tonight crew was a
pain, and Ashleigh Banfield didn't know the first thang about
golf, neither. And I just wanna say one thing: I didn't come
anywhere near Geraldo with that drive!
Plus, it didn't help havin' Martha Burk and all her gals wearin'
them SCREW MEN: WE CAN KILL OUR OWN SPIDERS T-shirts. And them
gals could punch, couldn't they?
See, I did some research since all this happened, and it turns
out women beatin' men ain't all that weird. Julie Krone has
beaten plenny of 'em on horses. Women drivers have finished ahead
of 93 different men at the Indy 500. Hail, every marathon, the
best woman beats most of the guys entered!
And I ain't the first Tour player beat by a gal. Turns out this
Babe Didrickson Zaharias played four Tour stops way back in the
'30s and '40s and made the 36-hole cut at three of them. So why
do y'all keep gettin' on the tee with me and sayin', "Ladies
Not only that, but I looked up our bylaws. Don't say nothin'
about havin' to have no penis to play on this tour. So you just
keep laughin', you monkeys, but some day some filly's gonna come
along and kick you in the groin too.
Well, shoot--if y'all are just gonna keep rollin' around on the
floor laughin' and peltin' me with pink tees, this meetin' is
done. I'm spendin' the rest of the season on the Nationwide Tour.
Yeah, it's the bush leagues, but at least hecklers won't be
askin' if it's that time of the month ever time I make a bogey.
And I won't never have to play a girl again, neither!
What? No, I ain't ever heard of Michelle Wie. Who's she?
If you have a comment for Rick Reilly, send it to
B/W PHOTO: JEFFERY A. SALTER
So what if I was the only Tour pro to lose to Sorenstam at the
Colonial? Dan Scruggs ain't ashamed!