Good to be here. Do I have this right? Ben Affleck broke off his
engagement to Rodrigo Lopez?
OHIO STATE REMAINS UNDEFEATED The Buckeyes edged N.C. State in
three overtimes. And this is nice. After the game Jim Tressel put
four Buckeyes stickers on Maurice Clarett's luggage.
Clarett is being advised by Jim Brown. Hey, that's like.... Yeah,
like I'm gonna make a joke about Jim Brown.
TONY LA RUSSA BECOMES EIGHTH MANAGER IN MLB HISTORY TO WIN 2,000
GAMES Not to be outdone, the same night, pitching coach Dave
Duncan made his 25,000th needless trip to the mound.
Last week a bomb threat delayed the opening of Tropicana Field
for 20 minutes. Then, in the eighth, there was another bomb
threat when Lou Piniella told Jesus Colome to get loose.
CINCINNATI IS ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING THE FIRST TEAM IN 10 YEARS
TO AVERAGE FEWER THAN 30,000 IN A NEW BALLPARK Did somebody say
the Big In-the-Red Machine?
Meanwhile, the Padres gave multiyear deals to announcers Jerry
Coleman and Ted Leitner. Angels broadcaster Rex Hudler is still
looking for a multiyear dealer.
JAMAL LEWIS JA-MAULS CLEVELAND FOR 295 YARDS RUSHING It was a
dominant performance. The hardest hit Lewis received all day was
an end-zone chest bump from Jonathan Ogden.
In the second quarter Jamal had a 60-yard touchdown run nullified
by a penalty. Ten yards for holding ... a clinic.
The real challenge for Browns fans is figuring out how to blame
this on Tim Couch.
THE NFL IS INVESTIGATING CLAIMS THAT THE REDSKINS CONTACTED
LAWYER MILLOY BEFORE HE WAS RELEASED BY THE PATRIOTS Milloy
denied the tampering charge, then waved away reporters as he
drove off in his new, tricked-out FedEx van.
The Washington, D.C., transit authority billed the NFL $64,000
for extra subway service to the kickoff festival on the Mall.
That seems a little steep, but the bill was reduced to $57,000
when they figured in Aerosmith's senior citizen discounts.
Sad times for the Jets. Not only are they 0-2, but the front
office is also charging Chad Pennington $50 to keep his place on
the Physically Unable to Perform list.
Lambeau Field has finished its $295 million restoration. This
season, when Antonio Freeman leaps into the stands, an attendant
will hand him a towel and spritz him with cologne.
CAMERAS BANNED FOR KOBE BRYANT HEARING Not only that, the shot
clock will be turned off.
And before being sworn in, all witnesses will first have to check
in at the scorer's table.
Bryant's defense is now claiming that not only was the sex
consensual, but he also had a foul to give.
MOSLEY-DE LA HOYA II TURNS OUT TO BE REPEAT De La Hoya was
outraged with the scoring and is planning to hire lawyers to
investigate the decision ... as soon as the swelling in his face
goes down enough for him to see the numbers on his phone.
Boy, you can tell the economy is bad. Yesterday, Oscar laid off
DEVILS SIGN 42-YEAR-OLD IGOR LARIONOV He hopes to be the first
NHL player to deliver an artificial-hip check.
IRAQI WRESTLING TEAM UNABLE TO COMPETE AT WORLD FREESTYLE
CHAMPIONSHIPS Too bad. Now we'll never know if they had any Pins
of Mat Destruction.
My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Humble Pie.
Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG