The Show

BEFORE WE GET STARTED, IF anyone needs me this week I'll be in Times Square at midnight, waiting for Gary Bettman to drop the ball on the NHL season.

Eagles Un-Daunte-d by Vikes Now it's on to face Michael Vick and the Falcons in the first annual Rush Lim-Bowl.

Did you see the injury report before the game? Randy Moss's taste was listed as "questionable."

This might have been embarrassing. If the Jets had a field goal try in OT against Pittsburgh, they were going to let the 15-year-old Punt, Pass and Kick winner take it.

Plaxico Burress didn't have a catch until the third quarter and finished with two receptions. Does that make him Placebo Burress?

This was nice. In tribute to the Steelers' ground attack Dan Dierdorf's analysis never went out of the I formation.

Four days before the game, a Colts website offered colts afc conference champions hats and shirts. Now they have to pack all that gear up and send it, with a knife and fork, to Mike Vanderjagt's house.

The three Colts wideouts averaged 48 yards receiving. The Gillette Stadium field was the only thing left uncovered.

MLB adopts tougher steroid policy They're not kidding anymore. Now if you get caught they tell your parents.

There's some incentive with the new plan. Starting next year the league with the fewest players' testing positive gets home field for the All-Star Game.

Amphetamines are still not included on the banned-substances list. How big a problem is this? I thought they only took advantage of speed in the National League.

The policy was a collaborative effort between the commissioner's office and the players' union. Bud Selig even lent what was left of his vertebrae to Donald Fehr.

The Mets signed Carlos Beltran. The deal came three days after the Yankees dropped out because their payroll tested positive for human growth hormone.

Don't kid yourself. Steinbrenner is not finished spending money. He just gave a four-year deal to Alec Baldwin to shove photographers.

On his first day in New York City, Randy Johnson told a cameraman, "Get out of my face." I don't want to nitpick, but no one has been in Randy's face since the obstetrician who delivered him.

Spurs guard Tony Parker reportedly dating Desperate Housewives' Eva Longoria They started seeing each other after she was dumped by his 17-year-old gardener.

The NBA Store in New York just had its best month ever for sales of women's apparel. Now they're all out of the two biggest-selling items: the Ron Artest choker and the Dennis Rodman tanked top.

Sales of Kobe Bryant's jersey have dropped out of the top 50. Last week a gift shop in Eagle County tried to throw out a case.

Michelle Wie misses cut at Sony Open It's not all bad news for the 15-year-old phenom, though. Looks like she may get a sponsor's exemption through puberty.

SAG nominates Barry Pepper for Best Actor Pepper portrayed Dale Earnhardt in 3 and, before that, Roger Maris in 61*. Next fall he'll play Tim Rattay in 2--14.

Don King sues ESPN for $2.5 billion Don't get excited. Six months from now, to make the whole thing go away, Don will pay himself off.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Pet Shop Boys.

Bill Scheft turned down an offer to run the shot clock on 24.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION

ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN HENDRIX