The Show

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Bud Selig's office donates $100,000 to President Bush's inauguration Bush plans to use half, then invest the rest privately with Julio Franco's Social Security benefits.

As you may know, years ago MLB owners tried to get then Rangers owner George W. Bush installed as commissioner. Whew, that was close. Can you imagine the Expos playing 22 games in Tikrit?

Tommy Lasorda hosted two events at the inauguration. He's devoted to the Bush Administration. Next month he'll spend a week in Iraq conducting a base-running clinic.

Eagles write title page The wind was a factor all day. The only thing that blew more consistently was Chris Mohr's punting.

The Falcons were all prepared to go to the Super Bowl. They had already decided which defensive back would get arrested in Jacksonville for propositioning an undercover cop.

Andy Reid said the next step in rehab for Terrell Owens is to be able to run and change direction. No, wait. That's what Herman Edwards said about Paul Hackett.

In the Patriots' rout of Pittsburgh, New England was up 24--3 at the half. Bill Belichick was so confident, he let Charlie Weis take the rest of the game off and go visit a Notre Dame recruit in Altoona.

For its Super Bowl pregame segment, Fox is changing the name of Best Damn Sports Show Period to Best Darn Super Bowl Road Show Period. Not only that, John Salley's tongue will also be edited to two inches.

Magic-Pistons game delayed three minutes after guide dog relieves itself on court You know what's sad? The dog got more minutes than Darko Milicic.

Speaking of dogs, the Blazers waived forward Qyntel Woods after he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor animal abuse involving his pit bull. It's not all bad news. The pit bull just signed a 10-day contract with Tracy McGrady.

McGrady is being sued by a man who had the tip of his nose bitten off by T-Mac's pet rottweiler. The incident happened in August. So once again McGrady is taking his time to get back on defense.

Showtime developing movie about MLB steroid scandal and Barry Bonds Oh, I hope I'm not too late with a title: The Clear ... and Present Danger.

White Sox chairman Jerry Reinsdorf underwent an angioplasty. He had a local anesthetic: A tape of Hawk Harrelson during a rain delay.

Matches run to form in first week of Aussie Open The big news out of Melbourne: Svetlana Kuznetsova is now available in nondrowsy formula.

Last month the women's U.S. Open champ tested positive for ephedrine, which is in many over-the-counter cold formulas. The penalty could be serious. She may not be allowed to operate heavy machinery until Wimbledon.

Robby Gordon number 7 Chevy now sponsored by Jim Beam and Fruit of the Loom I don't know about you, but I haven't seen bourbon and underwear on the same car since my sophomore year.

Ron Artest CD sold 1,200 copies in its first month He's thinking of reissuing it under his new rap name, Ushered Out.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy a-ha.

Bill Scheft is developing a movie for PBS, The Unforgivable Blackness of Phil Knight's Checking Account.

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ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN HENDRIX