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Original Issue

Unconventional Wisdom

With the Democratic and Republican conventions in the news, here's our vision of a golf world governed by the political parties' respective platforms.

If the PGA Tour were run by the ...

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REPUBLICANS

DEMOCRATS

Commissioner

Condi Rice

Keith Olbermann

Headquarters

Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla.

Burlington, Vt.

Official Vehicle

Hummer

Prius

Majors

• Charlton Heston Memorial
• Ozone Hole Open
• Ayn Rand Rich Pro--Richer Am

• San Francisco Very Mixed Four-ball
• Fair Trade Coffee Match Play
• The Entitlement Open

New Rules

Unlimited clubhead size

Clintons (unlimited mulligans)

Course Feature

Flagsticks replaced by oil derricks

Fairway wind farms

Purse Structure

1st: $1.4 million*
2nd: $1 million
3rd: $750,000
4th: $500,000
5th and below: $0

1st: $5,675
2nd: $5,674
3rd: $5,673
4th: $5,672
5th and below: $5,671

Slogan

"These Guys Are Good and You're Not, So Suck on It"

"These Guys Would Be Even Better If They Got a Federal Skills-Development Grant"

*100% tax deductible

PHOTO

AKRAM SALEH/EPA/CORBIS (RICE)

PHOTO

FRANK TRAPPER/CORBIS (OLBERMANN)

PHOTO

BURKE/TRIOLO PRODUCTIONS/BRANDX/CORBIS (CHEESE)

PHOTO

DANI WINSTON/TRANSTOCK/CORBIS (HUMMER)

PHOTO

JOHN HILLERY/REUTERS/CORBIS (PRIUS)

PHOTO

MATTHIAS KULKA/ZEFA/CORBIS (PUMP)

PHOTO

MASAHIKO TAIRA/AMANAIMAGES/CORBIS (PINWHEEL)