Publish date:

The Fine Print

Author:

THE HOLDER of this ticket ("Holder") assumes all risks inherent in tonight's event ("Sports"), including injuries caused by batted balls, airborne pucks, surface-to-air T-shirt missiles, the ingestion of molten cheddarwurst, trough-urinal-borne diseases and any physical or psychological trauma resulting from prolonged exposure to the Atlanta Braves.

By attending Sports, Holder willingly submits to all security measures, including (but not limited to) metal detector, pat down, "wanding," bag inspection, delousing and routine cavity search. And that's just on the way out: Holder is not permitted to leave the grounds while still in possession of loose change or other hard currency, which shall be surrendered at the team store prior to egress.

This ticket is a revocable license. Sports reserve the right to physically remove Holder from the grounds if he 1) interferes with a ball in play or 2) attempts to sit in a premium location without having ever sat in a premium location.

Failure to comply with all posted placards that prohibit smoking, wagering or the playing of pepper shall result in a perp walk up many concrete stadium steps in the callused hands of two large men wearing polo shirts emblazoned SECURITY, while simultaneously being jeered by an inebriated mob ("Other Holders"). Speaking of whom: In the event that he bobbles but fails to hold on to a foul ball hit right to him, Holder (and Holder's Mom) will be subject to profane and defamatory statements, without legal recourse.

Holder is not entitled to reimbursement for any portion of tonight's performance (including walk-off home run, half-court game-winner, Hail Mary touchdown pass or overtime lamp-lighter) that he failed to witness while posting his Pulled Pork Mac 'N' Jack Sausage sandwich to Instagram. Holder acknowledges his team only ever scores when he's in the can.

By attending this event in a public arena, Holder agrees that Sports may use his likeness across all platforms, including radio, television, Diamond Vision, Periscope, Snapchat and—he'll just have to trust Sports on this one—Tinder.

Holder releases Sports from any legal claim should he require long-term hypnotherapy to exorcise from his head the guitar riff to "Seven Nation Army." Sports likewise bears no responsibility for Holder's seven-year-old son—hearing it as walk-up music—memorizing the lyrics to Wu-Tang Clan's "Protect Ya Neck."

In the inevitable event that Warriors center Festus Ezeli lands in Holder's lap while pursuing a loose ball, Holder is not entitled to medical expenses or dry-cleaning reimbursement. Holder may not take Mr. Ezeli home as a souvenir.

With the purchase of this ticket, Holder agrees to make regular, excruciating appearances on Kiss Cam, Dance Cam, Dab Cam, Dad Cam and any other "Cam" already in existence or not yet conceived, in perpetuity.

Under no circumstances should Holder shout "Baba-booey" at a golf tournament, clamor for a selfie with the St. Louis Cardinals mascot known as Fredbird or attempt to high-five an NBA player half his age when said athlete is running to the tunnel at halftime. Holder should know better. How old is Holder? For God's sake, Holder, have some dignity.

Just because Holder paid for this ticket, a handling surcharge, a personal seat license and for the stadium itself (in the form of draconian local taxes), it doesn't give Holder the right to act like he owns the damn place.

By attending Sports, Holder accepts that he will be the primary target of a three-hour barrage of ads and sponsored segments so unrelentingly remorseless that Holder will be better off just buying a Kia Sorento already.

All sales are final. Holder accepts that Sports may be rained out in the bottom of the third, canceled just before tip-off or abruptly flexed to Sunday night when Holder's babysitter is busy. In which case Holder is, legally speaking, "S.O.L."

On a happier note, Holder may present this ticket at participating Carnival Cruise ports of call for $1 off a Caribbean vacation whenever Holder's team scores 100. (In baseball only.) (Not valid in Holder's home state.) (Offer expires an hour ago.) (Void where prohibited.)

Just because Holder paid for this ticket, a handling surcharge, a PSL and, indirectly, the stadium itself, that does not give Holder the right to act like he owns the damn place.

What's better: watching games at home or in person?

Join the discussion on Twitter by using #SIPointAfter and following @SteveRushin

PHOTO

DAMIAN STROHMEYER

ILLUSTRATION