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Original Issue



...An ANIMAL!" And, "a man's man, a woman's hero, a young boy's idol and a little girl's dream," according to an eight-page brochure about Baltimore Colt Mike Curtis released by Mike Curtis Enterprises. The booklet contains photographs of Curtis sporting golf garb, tuxedo, swimsuit and sex appeal, plus a list of his awards and a page of quotes about him. These begin with Spiro T. Agnew's, "Your outstanding qualities of determination, hard work and humility serve as a splendid example..." and range through a roster of teammate accolades: "I bump heads with the best linebackers in the game, week after week. I have to know linebackers. But I want to say right now, nobody's a better linebacker than Mike Curtis. You hear me? Nobody!" (John Mackey), "... a legend among his peers..." (Bubba Smith) and, "Mike eats the panes right out of the bus windows on the way to practice. He chews the face bars off his helmet." (Billy Ray Smith). The point is to convince advertisers that Mike Curtis has what it takes to sell shaving cream, hair spray or swimsuits. Tough game, modeling.

A former maid of Jacqueline Onassis has reported in a German newspaper that Caroline's Pekingese was in the habit of relieving himself upon the Persian carpets. The carpets, she says, got pretty smelly, but Mrs. O. was not about to have them cleaned at $1,300 per puddle. Question. In the world of dog fanciers is Jackie finally one up on Queen Elizabeth, who merely feeds her Corgis with a silver spoon?

Cleveland's Mayor Carl Stokes last week welcomed the U.S. and West German Davis Cup teams to Cleveland and confided at a luncheon for them that "the undisclosed member of the U.S. doubles team is not me. I couldn't play with them, they're all amateurs." Actually, His Honor has been playing lately for money, a lot of it. He and his executive secretary, John Little, are taking on local challengers around the city's tennis courts to help promote an $18-million recreation bond issue. They are doing very well, too, though Little recently smashed a ball that hit his boss smartly. The Mayor's only exclamation was a sharp cry of "Agnew!" but, of course, in some political circles that's a pretty dirty word.

"I think I'm what everybody should look like, if everybody had the time to train for it," says ex-Jet Lineman Mike Katz, at present working toward the Mr. America title. "And wanted to look that way," he adds politely, which should make Sophia Loren and Elizabeth Taylor feel better.

Japan's golf-loving premier, Eisaku Sato, sometimes swings like he's killing snakes—and so do his bodyguards. Sato plays on a course west of Tokyo that is infested with vipers, so his guards carry, among other things, a viper stick. This is for pinning down any snake that jumps the premier while he is hunting his ball in the rough. Should the viper stick fail, the nearest bodyguard is supposed to fling himself upon the snake and take the bite—quietly, it is presumed, so as not to disturb the premier's backswing.

Not in the running for automobile buff of the year award is Actor Michael Caine, who explains his purchase of a 1970 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow as follows: "It isn't that I'm interested in driving. I'm interested in not walking."


Football: As everyone knows, Pat Barczi Palinkas, in her debut with the Orlando Panthers, got smeared by the Bridgeport Jets when she fumbled her first snap from center. "I'm out here trying to make a living and she's trying to make a folly of a man's game. I tried to take her head off," fumed 235-pound Wally Florence, a Jets linebacker. Florence (a linebacker named Florence?) failed, and Pat has held for four out of five successful extra points in three games. Perhaps more important, in the midst of Women's Liberation Week she was called to the attention of NOW (National Organization for Women). Asked whether Pat's roughing up represented a step forward in the struggle for equality, a spokeswoman said, "Well, thank goodness she wasn't hurt. It could have been very serious. You know," she added gently, "they'll use anything against us."

Track: NOW hear this. Actress Elke Sommer is so fit, says husband Joe Hyams, that she runs the mile in 6:12. This cold fact appears—along with Elke in the nude—in the current Playboy. Since pictures and text are by husband Hyams, obedient wife Elke is this week's champion in the least libbed league.

Baseball: In honor of women's strike day the Baltimore Evening Sun assigned Reporter Sharon Dickman to cover an Orioles-Oakland game. Sharon found the players "really frank," e.g., Ellie Hendricks on women in baseball: "I don't ever tag anyone hard, but I might try to hurt a woman if she was sliding in high. There ain't no way that I'm going to make beds."

Fishing: General Jimmy Doolittle, trolling for salmon off Westport, Wash, with some other Congressional Medal of Honor winners (including Joe Foss), was the first to take his limit. He tried to relay the exciting news to Mrs. Doolittle by radiophone. Mrs. Doolittle interrupted to say, "The man hasn't been here yet to fix the washer and dryer." Time to get ashore, General.


This man is a GENTLEMAN!

He is also..