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Original Issue


Most Glittering Sport Soiree of The Week—

They came from everywhere to honor Joe Louis on his 57th birthday, all bellied up to banquet tables at Caesar's Palace on the Las Vegas Strip, where Joe is in residence now. The 1,100 "greats, near-greats and mere mortals," as the invocation put it, paid $100 a plate to hear the stars of stage, screen, etc. sing or otherwise do their thing (Ed Sullivan's thing was quoting from one of his old columns). The prize for the guest who had traveled farthest to honor Joe went to Max Schmeling, who was sitting there with his old opponent plus such luminaries as Gregory Peck, Anthony Quinn and Ricardo Montalban. Everybody laughed a lot and cried a lot, after which it was left to that old acid-tongue, Don Rick-les, to end the evening with the line, "This is a big thing for me? To come over here between shows and do a free bit for a colored fighter?"

And here is 10-year-old goalie Mark Bolton, "the last line of defense" for the Kingsleigh Methodist Club's soccer team in Leigh, England. Here is Mark with 565 soccer balls, representing the 565 goals that got by him before the season had even ended. The team lost 34 out of 34 matches, by scores such as 33-0,29-0 and 27-1 (yea, Kingsleigh Methodist!), but what Mark said when he faced all the soccer balls in a local factory was, "It doesn't look so many on paper, but there certainly seem to be a lot when you see them all like this."

Yup. And if you want to know the real truth, Mark, 565 doesn't look all that great on paper, either.

Explanations: Good
Penn State's football and basketball coaches, Joe Paterno and John Bach, both city boys, teamed up to lose the university's cow-milking contest, They lost, Paterno says, "because we never had to do this to get milk in Brooklyn."

Explanations: Bad
The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has launched a campaign to protect British birds of prey from being killed illegally by gamekeepers and landowners. And Patrick Gouldsbury, secretary of the Gamekeepers' Association, is angry about it. Why? Well, he says that the bird-of-prey population has not dropped much lately, but the number of gamekeepers is way down.

Explanations: Vivid
Dominguín has announced that at 45 he is planning to return to the bullring, because fighting bulls is so terrific. "It is like being with the woman who pleases you most in the world when her husband comes in with a pistol," he says. "The bull is the woman, the husband and the pistol, all in one. No other life I know can give you all that."

Uh huh, maybe not. But we know a bunch of people who seem genuinely willing to settle for less.

Astronaut Deke Slayton mushed up to Anchorage recently with a NASA display and slipped off for a little fishing with NASA's Roy Alford and two Anchorage businessmen, Lee Fisher and Bob Livesay, plus two guides. Deke had just landed three rainbows on the upper Naknek River when a game protection officer nabbed the whole group for fishing inside a closed area. "We were only about 200 yards within the boundary—and we didn't see any signs," Alford said, but inside is inside and everybody was lined up before Magistrate Elmer Harrop. Slayton and Alford were fined $50 apiece, payment suspended, and Slayton also was sentenced to address the Naknek grammar school—which he was scheduled to do anyway. Then Fisher and Live-say were fined $50 each, but their fines were paid by one of the guides, presumably on the grounds that the guides should have known better. As is customary, Harrop confiscated everybody's fishing gear and refused to sell it back.

It would never happen on the moon; right, Deke?

Now, the second saddest fishing story of the week:

Joe Byers, an Indianapolis schoolteacher, planned a weekend fishing trip and told his class that he would pay a penny for every night crawler delivered to him the next day. So the next day he had 1,500 worms. "They just kept coming," Byers says. "It looked like we were going to have a spaghetti feed." He went to the bank to get the $15, skipping lunch (so who wouldn't have skipped lunch—it might have been spaghetti), but he didn't get to go fishing. Too busy down in the cellar filling an old washtub with dirt to make a home for his worms.

And it's Eddie Arcaro, up on—well, uh—up on Missing Data Unavailable! Arcaro, in Haiti to consider some investments, claimed the burro was his first mount in nine years. Which would make little MDU mount number 24,093.

A bunch of Congressmen took to bicycles the other day to promote their use for the good of the environment, and the following cyclist exchange has been reported:

Walter Flowers (D., Ala.): "This rain is great for the trees. Look at that dogwood!"

Bob Tiernan (D., R.I.): "How can you tell it's dogwood?"

Flowers: "By the bark; didn't you hear it?"

Aagh. Hey, Flowers, the idea was not to pollute the environment, remember?