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Four-star plot lines NFL Films will never touch

Forget the movies. Save yourself the $6.50 and check out what's playing at your local NFL Octoplex this season:

Total Recall—John Elway wakes up screaming uncontrollably in the middle of the night, having dreamed that somebody handed him his cumulative Super Bowl stats.

Tremors—A young family unknowingly moves into the apartment under Refrigerator Perry's.

Red Heat—A 6'1", 256-pound Nigerian, Christian Okoye, comes to America, gets a job as a fullback with the Kansas City Chiefs and finds football players to his liking. "The linebackers and the defensive backs lie down when they see me coming," he says. "That is very kind."

Planes, Trains & Automobiles—Docudrama detailing the Al Davis franchise in the NFL.

Crimes and Misdemeanors—The Minnesota Vikings team up with a zany driving-school instructor to recreate their favorite traffic violations.

The Howling—Inside a Mike Ditka press conference.

Ghost—Forty-one-year-old Lyle Alzado attempts a comeback at defensive end with the L.A. Raiders but misses training camp when his sciatica acts up. Later, rheumatism forces an anguished Alzado onto the disabled list. Finally, Lyle decides he should not risk it all by playing with fallen arches and retires again.

Dead Calm—The history of Tampa Stadium.

Do the Right Thing—Paul Tagliabue plays an NFL commissioner who knows he should return franchises to St. Louis and Baltimore because the only crime fans in those cities committed was not handing over their wallets to dunces. Tags is about to do it when Jacksonville calls, offering $500 million and Southern Florida for an expansion team.

It's a Wonderful Life—Greg Gumbel, Terry Bradshaw and the cast of The NFL Today learn to cope without Brent Musburger.

Missing—The continuing adventures of Vinny Testaverde in the NFL.

Running Scared—Action flick starring Randall Cunningham and his running backs, who try to stay alive while working behind the Philadelphia Eagles' offensive line. May be too violent for children.

The Parent Trap—Oh, wait. This one's about Steve Garvey.

Altered States—Scientists discover a formula that changes a man into an animal at a moment's notice. The fun starts when they accidentally drop it into Sam Wyche's Mr. Coffee.

Christmas Vacation—The N.Y. Jets host this travelogue of great places to go in your postseason free time.

Pennies from Heaven—Your hostess, L.A. Rams owner Georgia Frontiere, who last opened her purse during the Johnson (Andrew) Administration, outlines her fiscal and management policies in this video seminar.

Ordinary People—Ten-year documentary of Dallas Cowboy drafts.

She-Devil—A great young pass-rusher for the New York Jets leaves his wife for a statuesque blonde, played by Brigitte Nielsen. The fun couple's problems begin when they contemplate a move to Canada, only to learn that the country does not have nearly enough mirrors.

Darkman—A docudrama that stars new Atlanta Falcons coach Jerry Glanville, who brings his black clothes, his black-hat reputation and his black 1950 Mercury "James Dean Special" to Atlanta, changes the Falcons' jerseys and helmets to black, and begins looking very hard at the goalposts and popcorn. But how is he at coaching football teams stuck in black holes?

The Money Pit—Horror flick starring running back Eric Dickerson and his new agent Leigh Steinberg. The problems start when Steinberg explains how he likes his clients to donate part of their salaries to their colleges. Dickerson explains that his college isn't through paying him yet.

Say Anything—The heartrending story of a young defensive back who falls in love with an Eyewitness News minicam. Stars Deion Sanders.

Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy—Jerry Jones (Abbott) and Jimmy Johnson (Costello) find out that the quarterback they used a No. 1 on, Steve Walsh, couldn't hit a Buick on a showroom floor. Johnson's best performance since Hairspray.

Less than Zero—NFL Players Association chief Gene Upshaw sits down to count how many players paid their union dues last year.

Pretty in Pink—Don Shula and the other NFL rule makers decide that their inane "in the grasp" rule does not baby quarterbacks enough. Shula sets out to redesign the quarterbacks' uniforms in a color that will make them totally off-limits to beastly defensive ends.

Little Shop of Horrors—Week-by-week look inside the front office of the Phoenix Cardinals.

The Longest Day—Jim Kelly and the Buffalo Bills call a team meeting.

16 Days of Glory—Documentary detailing how the San Francisco 49ers spend their Sundays during the season. Released twice previously.