You Say You Want a Resolution...
Bob Knight woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt light. "This is crazy," he said to himself. "What have I been thinking'? Berating my own son? I love my son. I love basketball. Why am I always kicking and screaming? Life's too short." And he sprang out of bed, called all his players and told them how much they meant to him.
Charles Barkley woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt changed. "You know," he said to himself, "I don't really have a choice. I am a role model, like it or not. Kids look to me every day. I'm going to stop drinking, swearing, carousing and punching guys. I mean, I'm 30 years old. I've got to grow up." And he sprang out of bed, broke his pool cue in half and joined the Rotary club.
John Kruk woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt wonderful. "You know what?" he said to himself. "I feel like a salad. I mean, why do I always have to look at the menu and order page 3? It's not like I'm going to the electric chair tomorrow. And, hey, what the hell is all this junk stuck in my beard?" And he sprang out of bed, shaved twice and weighed himself a bran muffin.
John Daly woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt whole. "I think I finally figured it out," he said to himself. "Just because a man isn't drinking anymore doesn't mean he's sober. Actually, I was kind of lucky to be suspended. I mean, when you think about it, the high I get from big golf crowds is just a substitute for the high I got from Jack Daniel's. Now I need some time alone and see if I can't figure out how to love myself'." And he sprang out of bed, dropped his clubs off at the Salvation Army and immediately called Dr. Leo Buscaglia.
Dick Vitale woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt hoarse. "This is ridiculous," he said to himself. "All I do is yell. Is that a career, being the world's baldest wind instrument? I know basketball. I've got some things to say. But I'm just playing a 200-decibel buffoon like this. All I did was steal playground slang anyhow. It's not like I invented this stuff." And he sprang out of bed, sent back his last 50 paychecks and went to work for All Things Considered.
Roberto Duran woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt ashamed. "No màs," he said to himself. "Soy an campeón completo. Nunca màs necesitarè estos vagabundos. Ellos lo que me tintan mi historia." And he sprang out of bed and retired—and retired Larry Holmes and George Foreman while he was at it.
Jennifer Capriati woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt old. "Am I really enjoying this?" she said to herself. "I mean, guy, I'm like the centerfold in Psychology Today. I let my parents push me into a pro tennis career at 13. I was unhappy at 15. I was wearing Rocky Horror Picture Show makeup at 16. And now I'm nabbed for shoplifting at 17. I'm going to need Oil of Olay if this keeps up." So she sprang out of bed, quit tennis and pledged Delta Gamma.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt bloated. "What a puckhead I've been," he said to himself. "I'm letting the league eat itself. We've already got teams in Hartford and Edmonton that could fold, and only the Zamboni driver would know. And now we're talking about expanding by two again? I should have my head examined." And he sprang out of bed and scheduled an appointment.
Leon Lett woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt free. "This is stupid," he said to himself. "So I made a couple of mistakes. That's no reason to hole up like a fugitive. It's not like I fumbled a newborn or forgot to de-ice a 747. It's a game, for Chrissakes!" And he sprang out of bed, opened all the blinds and called a press conference.
Marge Schott woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt silly. "What have I been doing?" she said to herself. "It's a dog! I've been confiding in, dressing up and dining with a domesticated carnivore. I've been treating a dog like a human and humans like dogs. That bites." And she pushed Schottzie 02 off the bed, rehired Tony Perez and offered him a free shampoo and groom.
The president of Starter woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt heavyhearted. "I can't let this go on," he said to himself. "I can't have another kid getting shot over one of our jackets. So how about this? We go into the inner city and for every gun a kid turns in, he gets a Starter jacket and a Starter hat. I can't keep making money off these kids without helping them too." And he sprang out of bed and called Nike's Phil Knight, and, together, they actually made a difference.
Michael Jordan woke up on New Year's Day and suddenly felt empty. "Who am I kidding?" he said to himself. "I'm still a strong, healthy man. I can't just leave, can I? I mean, don't I owe something more to the fans, to my teammates, to myself? When you get right down to it, aren't I miserable without the game?...Nahhhhhhh."
And he pulled the covers over his head and went back to sleep.
ILLUSTRATION
VICTOR JUHASZ