HOLIDAY BLEATINGS OUR INSIDE POSTMAN INTERCEPTS THE CHRISTMAS MAIL OF MEMORABLE '95 SPORTS CHARACTERS

We have a friend, Dalton, who happens to be the only postal
worker in America who's not disgruntled. Every Christmas, Dalton
gets out his scissors and clips the best parts out of those
Xeroxed family-update letters people put in their Christmas
cards. Dalton knows a hokey column when he sees one.

Dear Friends and Relations,

Thank you all so much for your cards and letters during this
trying Christmas season. However, next year it would be less
messy if you didn't attach them to bricks.
THE MODELLS (location undisclosed)

Hey, Everybody,

Well, yesterday I put up the Christmas tree, and the dang thing
fell over and all the ornaments broke and the lights caught
fire, so I stood it up again and the dang thing fell over again!
I ask you, what are the odds of that happening two times in a row?
BARRY SWITZER, Dallas

Dear Friends,

I'm doing great, even after that vicious third-round knockout
punch Larry Holmes gave me. I even.... (Oops. That's next week's
fight.)
PETER MCNEELEY, Canvas, Mass.

Dear Friends and Loved Ones,

I think I'm really on to them now. They're either here or in St.
Croix.
O.J. SIMPSON, The Bahamas

A Joyous Season to All,

If I might, I would like to clarify one last time what I said to
that marvelous female journalist for whom I have the utmost
respect and admiration. (But not in any sort of amorous way.)
(Not that she's unattractive.) When I said, "Their boobs get in
the way," I was referring to the oppressive male golf
establishment that keeps these fine women golfers from achieving
the equal status with male golfers that they so richly deserve
(the status, that is, not the male golfers).
BEN WRIGHT (but not lately), CBS

Dear Friends,

This is shaping up to be our happiest Christmas in many years,
now that we both have our anger-control problems behind us.
We've undergone hundreds of hours of therapy to rein in our
hair-trigger temper9. No lon[[[ger will ... just a second ...
this computer see:<ms to be ... this damn thing))x is ... THIS
THING OUGHTA BE @@!SHOT.... BRING ME THE *%*# HAMMER!

Abort, retry, fail?
BENEDICTE AND JEFF TARANGO Wimbledon

Here's hoping you all have a great Christmas!
FRANK GIFFORD Monday Night Football

Frank, I agree with you completely. In fact, I hope even more
than you do that they have not only a great Christmas, but also
the best Christmas ever!
DAN DIERDORF

I totally agree, Dan. Emphatically.
FRANK

Absolutely.
DAN

Then it's settled.
FRANK

We just missed a touchdown and two field goals.
AL MICHAELS

Dear Nebraska Cornhusker,

Wanted to invite all of you to our house for Christmas dinner.
There'll be presents and caroling and a special table just for
your probation officers. Go Big Red.
TOM OSBORNE, Lincoln, Neb.

All I want for Chrithmath ith a thecondary that can thtop
Florida Thtate.
LOU HOLTZ, South Bend

Dear Jurors,

If it doesn't fit ... you must return it. (Receipt is taped to
the bottom.) Peace.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN JR., Los Angeles

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: EVANGELOS VIGLIS [Drawing of male tennis player hitting computer with tennis racket and woman pushing over Christmas tree]