IN A PIG'S EYE WILL WOMEN EVER BE AS BOORISH ABOUT FOOTBALL AS MEN? DO YOU REALLY WANT AN ANSWER?

Sportswriter Sally Jenkins has a lot of nerve. In her new book,
Men Will Be Boys, she mocks men's obsession with football. She
says that football is not so much a game as a cleverly disguised
homoerotic exercise. And she charges that it is nothing more
than an "excuse for female exclusion."

To which we men say, "Uh, what?" on account of the game was on
and the Redskins were moving the ball and....

What we really say is, "God, please don't let women take
football." They've taken everything else: cigars, indiscriminate
ogling, boxer shorts and Dennis Rodman. If they take football,
all we have left is coughing twice and taking out the trash.

How about we give them World Series mound conversations instead?
No woman in history has ever been part of a World Series mound
conversation! Here, for the first time, I will reveal the
secrets of your average World Series mound conversation, score
tied, ninth inning, Game 7.

Catcher (scratching): Man, I'm just so sick of squatting.
Pitcher (spitting): Chafes?
Catcher (scratching and spitting): And how!

Besides, women already have television. Every male character on
TV is now a bumbling buffoon (Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, Frank
Gifford) waiting to be bailed out by an ingenious, caring and
far superior woman (Marge, Peg, Kathie Lee). Every commercial is
now the same stuff women used to rail at men about--five women
watching a guy's butt. And if a screenplay doesn't end with the
jilted wife blowing up her ex's house, Porsche and seven-iron,
Hollywood won't make it.

Here's the worst part: Jenkins insinuates that, given half a
chance, women could be every bit as obsessed, stupid and piggish
about football as men. To which we men say, "Eat our six-foot
party hoagie." We don't believe such a woman exists. To find
out, we have compiled our Inclined to Swine Football Test for
Women. There are no right answers (except c).

1) Your husband left you a month into this season because...
a. you watched too much football
b. you watched way too much football
c. My husband left me?

2) When your boyfriend mentions "leather and lace," you head for...
a. Victoria's Secret
b. Frederick's of Hollywood
c. Wilson

3) As a modern woman, you realize making love must include...
a. physical attraction
b. a condom
c. Chris Berman

4) Faced with a drunken fan screaming obscenities and spitting
tobacco juice through stained teeth, you...
a. call security
b. change seats
c. ask Mom to chill

5) A double reverse flea-flicker is ...
a. available in wool or cotton fleece
b. a trick pass play intended to fool the defense
c. life itself

6) You refer to an excessively violent tackle as...
a. typical male war-game behavior
b. an example of the evils of testosterone
c. blowin' 'im up real good!

7) You think a woman must have a working knowledge of...
a. Washington gender politics
b. the latest home and family caregiving theories
c. picture-in-picture

8) Left in a locker room full of naked Miami Dolphins, you would...
a. steal a glance at Dan Marino
b. steal a glance at the tight ends
c. steal a chin strap

9) Your reaction to the fight last year at Fat Freddie's bar in
San Diego, where an Oakland Raiders fan bit off most of the
right ear of a Chargers fan, was...
a. complete and utter disgust
b. men will be men
c. Does Fat Freddie's have a ladies' night?

10) Your idea of imaginative lovemaking involves...
a. role-playing
b. the center snap
c. Stickum

Well, if they take football, we always have one last
bastion--one place where men can still gather to laugh, cry and
share in all it means to be a male in America. Hooters.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: EVANGELOS VIGLIS [Drawing of woman playing football]