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Hey, This Turning 40 Ain't So Bad After All

I turned 40 recently. Asked what I wanted, I said, "The Perfect

6 a.m.--Alarm rings.

6:01--Smash alarm with two-iron.

9:15--Wake up on own.

9:16--Reintroduce self to Heather Locklear.

9:20--Gabrielle Reece brings breakfast in bed--wearing only
sports page.

9:21--Open sports page.

10:21--Read sports page. See that Bobby Knight and Albert Belle
hospitalized after freak revolving-door accident.

10:30--Enjoy wholesome breakfast of BBQ chicken wings,
chili-cheese fries and Guinness. Forget to eat anything good for

10:42--Wipe face on guest towels.

10:43--Forget to do crunches. Forget to shave. Take one-hour

11:53--Put on fleece sweatpants, favorite ratty Valparaiso
sweatshirt and prized BUFFALO BILLS WORLD CHAMPS hat.

11:55--Dealership delivers silver Porsche Boxster. Custom set of
Callaways in trunk. Vertebra-snappingly gorgeous redheaded
caddie riding shotgun.

12:01 p.m.--World Cup canceled.

12:20--Exhilarating drive to airport on state highway patrols'
National Give a Warning Day.

12:30--Board private Gulfstream V for flight to Cypress Point
Golf Club. Met on board by commissioners of major pro leagues.

1:05--Satisfying accords reached onboard: Patrick Ewing to be
called for traveling every time he touches ball, cliched dumping
of Gatorade on NFL coaches outlawed, bicuspid-bashing goons
banned from NHL but made mandatory at major league baseball
owners' meetings. Commissioners praise wisdom, parachute out.

1:37--Track canceled.

1:38--Field canceled.

1:55--Greeted at airport by Cypress Point chairman, who
compliments me on adhering to club's new no-collared-shirt rule.

2:00--Lunch of BBQ wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness.

2:08--Wipe face on club blazer of nearby member.

2:30--Enjoy leisurely warmup. Certain rich cablinasian pays up
on long-drive contest.

2:45--Tee off with Sultan of Brunei, Bill Gates and Tom Lehman.
Tom and I agree to take bastard sandbaggers on, $100,000 a hole,
straight up, except Tom gets one floating mulligan on par-5s.

2:47--Katarina Witt and entire cast from Hooters on Ice drive up
in golf cart and ask if we need anything from their roving,
complimentary, single-malt-scotch bar.

4:15--After playing front nine in 90 minutes and 35 shots, agree
to let Sultan and Microchip Boy press the back.

6:00--Sign for satisfying 64, highlighted by aces on tricky 15th
and 16th. Score qualifies for this week's Masters.

6:05--Bets settled, I graciously buy a beer for losers to share.
Sultan leaves somewhat abruptly but not before signing over deed
to Florida panhandle.

6:10--Plane departs. Lawrence Phillips sucked into engine upon

6:15--On flight back caddie gives relaxing casaba-oil massage;
then a nap.

7:30--Arrive refreshed in Seattle for Bulls-Sonics game. Get
seated courtside between Alan Greenspan and Warren Buffett, who
exchange insider stock tips.

8:01--Bryant Gumbel canceled.

8:45--Have lucky seat number, swish million-dollar half-court
shot, sign 10-day Bulls contract and suit up immediately.

9:57--Make move that twists Gary Payton into Picasso painting,
then nail jumper to win game.

10:45--Dinner with Michael Ovitz, who interrupts enjoyment of
BBQ wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness with plan for
multimillion-dollar Bic pen endorsement.

11:01--Wipe face on Ovitz's Joseph Abboud suit.

11:05--Meet Charles Barkley for postgame relaxation.

11:06--Barkley graciously allows me to throw first fan through
plate-glass window.

1 a.m.--Swimsuit model Heidi Klum begins foot massage in
par-5-length limo, suggests strip poker. She's not holding any

2:30--Discover 432 unpublished columns by Damon Runyon in bottom
dresser drawer.

2:35--Watch highlights of Pat Riley going bald in single day.

2:36--Forget to floss.


Barkley graciously allows me to throw first fan through
plate-glass window