Skip to main content
Original Issue

Anatomy Of A Fan (It Ain't Pretty)

"You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements."
--Norman Douglas, in the novel South Wind, 1917*

Hairy back? Toenail fungus? Warts, moles, cysts, growths, acne?

Good looks count. Why be bald? Grow hair. Not just hair
transplants but incredibly natural follicular unit transplants.
Everything else is just a hairpiece. Say no to plugs!

Why wait? Get a date! Russian ladies want to meet you!
Meet/marry dedicated Latin women. Get 1000s of phone #s of
beautiful girls in your area code. Ladies telling you what they
want and like. We speak Hebrew/Polish.

Lonely? Nude table dancing. Slow contact dancing. Appearing next
week...Kimberly Kupps. Alyssa Alps. Miss Nude North America.

Giant screen TVs. View continuous stock quotes.

Impotence? Sexual success now. Next day delivery of Viagra. Add
5 to 10 inches to your vertical! No weights or special shoes

Monday Night Madness. $1 drafts & hot dogs. Free beef. One free
order of nachos with ad. You can lose weight through hypnosis.
Are you ready for some football?

Autographed photo of Chuck Bednarik standing over a knocked-out
Frank Gifford ($20). Chuck Bednarik standing over a knocked-out
Gifford, and Chuck has signed "Hello Frank" ($60). Chuck
Bednarik standing over a knocked-out Gifford, and Chuck signed
"This F-----' Game Is Over" ($85).

Free pick. The safest place to bet! Licensed by the government of
St. Kitts. Antiguan owned and operated. Oldest established sports
book in the Caribbean.

You don't pay me a dime unless I show you a profit this football
season! (It is the individual's responsibility to determine
whether these services are permitted under the laws of one's own

Bad credit? Don't sweat it!

No credit? No problem!

Seized cars from $175. Homes for pennies.

Three suits for $68. $50 tuxedos: We carry up to size 60.

Don't get eaten alive by the IRS. You can get a pistol permit

Divorce? Bankruptcy? Repo? We Buy/Sell/Trade Guns/Knives/Ammo.

Cable TV converters. Police radar jammers.

Come to where the flavor is. (Cigarette smoke contains carbon
monoxide.) Another fine product from U.S. Tobacco. (This product
may cause mouth cancer.)

A safe replacement for STEROIDS! Anything stronger is ILLEGAL! (A
small number of men experience certain sexual side effects.)

Free! (With your paid subscription.)

Conclusion: You are a cheap, hideous man in a cheap, hideous
tuxedo. You have the mental capacity of a pineapple and roughly
the same complexion. You are bald, impotent but oversexed--a
chain-smoking, gun-toting, debt-saddled, bet-addled,
tax-evading, doll-inflating cable pirate.

In short you are the embodiment of a nation's ideals, the totem
of a highly-prized demographic, the quintessential consumer of
American sports.

You are Everyfan. I pray to God we never meet.

*Every word or phrase referred to in this column appeared in a
recent ad in a sports section of a major American newspaper or
in a sports magazine, or in a commercial during a TV sports

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JOYCE HASSELBERTH [Collage of advertisements and photographs of eye and woman's leg]

"You are a chain-smoking, gun-toting, debt-saddled, bet-addled,
doll-inflating cable pirate."