Skip to main content
Original Issue

NCAA Tournament Cesspool Yes, it's that time of year again, when we offer to help you fill in your bracket to determine the single most annoying thing about March Madness--not including, of course, people offering to help you fill in your bracket

Gene Keady's hair 1
1 Hair spray alone responsible for half of hole in ozone.

Denny Crum's clothes 2
2 From his signature Pit Boss ensemble.

Bob Knight 3
3 Hoosier Daddy (two wins in five years) hopelessly behind on
slang and hoops.

Pistol Pete 4
4 Oklahoma State andro-cowboy mascot has a habit of firing blanks
behind ears of overcaffeinated reporters.

Minnesota 5
5 Jan Gangelhoff, former academic counseling unit office manager,
says she did course work for more than 20 basketball players,
including writing papers.

John Thompson 6
6 As new Washington, D.C., sports radio talk-show host, call him
the Hoya Annoya.

Pep bands 7
7 Many trapped in tragic Huey Lewis time warp.

Khalid El-Amin 8
8 In 10 years, with his bulbous body type, egomaniacal UConn
guard has chance to become next Al Roker.

Keady's hair 9
9 Part begins in armpit.

Bob Knight 10
10 Self-important podium pounder who complains CBS's late-night
starts have cruel effect on players is known for conducting 5
a.m. practices after some losses.

Minnesota 11
11 Gophers' nickname comes from familiar phrase among athletic
tutoring staff: "Calvin has a chemistry test tomorrow. Can you
gopher him?"

Khalid El-Amin 12
12 Fathered two children before the age of 20. O.K., this kid's
ready for the NBA!

Keady's hair 13
13 Subject of exhaustive Army Corps of Engineers study.

Minnesota 14
14 Apparently nobody suspected anything when players turned in
excellent term papers on menstrual cycles, women in the workplace
and effects of cocaine on pregnancy.

Keady's hair 15 vs Duke 15
15 Imported beaver pelt on scalp in possible violation of
Canadian fur ban treaty.

Players 1
1 Clearly not earning their free Pathfinders: Wisconsin's 32
points in first round was six fewer than Badgers football team
scored in 1999 Rose Bowl, Detroit beat UCLA despite shooting 33%,
New Mexico took more than nine minutes to score a field goal
against UConn.

2 Loses in court more than Hamilton Burger, including last week's
Prop 16 and $55 million restricted-pay-coaches defeats.

3 Constant shots of coaches exceeded in obnoxiousness only by
constant shots of coaches' wives.

CBS jingle 4
4 Annoying xylophone ditty trumpeting scores ticker could drive a
man to murder.

Office pools 5
5 Yes, I'd love to hear about your picks, if you'll listen to my
many boil-lancing stories.

Domes 6
6 Three this year, not counting Dick Vitale.

Game "shorts" 7
7 Worldwide parachute shortage traced to Arkansas point guard.

Duke 8
8 Precious soap-opera character names wear thin. Oh, Shane, it's
not your baby! It's Trajan's!

9 Scrooges won't pay parents' expenses to watch sons play in
tournament, despite making millions off unpaid offspring.

CBS 10
10 Wally Szczerbiak's 43-point effort mere rumor to viewers.

Domes 11
11 Country shamed by Final Four held in baseball stadium.

Duke 12
12 Foisted Danny Ferry, Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner on
unsuspecting NBA.

13 Press conference moderators forced to say "student-athlete"
413 times per game. (Exception: Minnesota.)

Duke 14
14 Only school pretentious enough to film own timeout huddles to
gauge "nuances [of players'] body language fear, concentration."
Right. Like that's why they're good.

[Keady's hair 15 vs Duke 15]
15 Easy to recruit and win it all when 21 of your first 35 games
are televised nationally. Try it at Weber State.

Duke 16
16 Championship game: Duke law school produced Richard Nixon.