Channel Surfin' USA

"We'll get back to the hot NHL playoff action on Fox in a
minute, but first, do you see who I see in the stands?"

"You bet I do, Doc! Why, it's Calista Flockhart, star of the
monster-hit Fox comedy Ally McBeal!"

"Wow! You know she's gotta be a huuuuuge hockey fan to come
clear up here to Buffalo to catch Game 2 of the Sabres'
second-round playoff series!"

"What are the odds that our cameraman would find her just as I
was going to promo the madcap season finale of the monster-hit
Fox comedy Ally McBeal, which is coming up right after this game?"

"Incredib--"

Zap.

"Now let's go to Ahmad Rashad, who's got Michael Jordan for us.
Ahmad?"

"Thanks, Bob. I've got Michael here on the 12th tee at Pine
Valley. Some round so far."

"Definitely, Ahmad. Got the tempo going. Hitting the right
clubs. Is my bag too heavy for you?"

"No problem, I just adjust--"

Zap.

"Tae-Bo Workout is now the No. 1-selling video in the nation!
Why? Well, for one reason, it's endorsed by Sinbad!"

"Wassup? I'm Sinbad! Tellin' you, people, you gotta get into
Tae-Bo! It's kick-ass!"

"That's right, there's nothing that scares off potentially
deadly assailants like the threat of serious aerobics! So order
now, and--"

Zap.

"I wanna like Rebecca, I really do, but--"

Zap.

"Are you disagreeing with me on this, Peter?"

"No, Ray, I just think Ripken--"

"You want me to come over there? Because I will! I'll come right
across this desk and slap you like a fresh prom date!"

"No, Ray, I just--"

Zap.

"Tellin' you, buuuuoy, the man was in the house! Oh, yeeeeah!
Ain't nothin' but my baby mama! Booooo-ya! That's what I'm
talkin' about! And he just says, 'This is how we do it!'
School's in, baby, ring the bell, 'cause the man, Dick Weber,
just went on to win the Shreveport Senior Bowling Classic! Rich?"

Zap.

"El futbol fue fantastico! Colombia jugo valientemente! Paraguay
jugo como un campeon!"

"Si, pero mira quien esta aqui!"

"Es Calista Flockhart!"

Zap.

"Hail, I still can't quite figger what happened at the end of
the dadgum race. We was comin' hot into three, and either Kyle
taps me or I tap Kyle, but I know one thing, I just gotta thank
my FRAM air filter, Monroe shock absorber, Valvoline, Goodyear,
Colombian coffee crew for the work they did on this
Exxon-fueled, AC-plugged--"

Zap.

"Boomer, this has got to be one of the greatest games we've ever
had here on ABC's Monday Night Football! Fourth quarter, 13 lead
changes, 49ers ahead 45-44, a minute and half to go, two
quarterbacks taken out on stretchers, a 70-yard field goal, four
kickoff returns for touchdowns, the tornado! Amazing!"

"I'll say, Al! But you talk about amazing, look who just walked
into the booth! It's our old friend Tim Allen, star of the
former monster-hit ABC comedy Home Improvement! Tim, tell us
about your new monster-hit ABC dramedy--"

Zap.

"Gene, Goldberg is literally blowing the roof off this dump!"

"I know! This place is literally on fire!"

"He's got them literally eating--"

Zap.

"All right, let's go down to Fox hockey sideline reporter Joe
Micheletti, who's standing by with Calista Flockhart, star of
the monster-hit Fox comedy Ally McBeal! Joe?"

"Thanks, Doc. I'm with Calista Flockhart, star of the
monster-hit Fox comedy Ally McBeal! I know you're a huuuuuge
hockey fan, Calista! What do you think of the action so far?"

"Fantastic! I just can't wait for the fourth quarter!"

Zap.

COLOR PHOTO: DANA FINEMAN/SYGMA

"I know you're a huuuuuge hockey fan, Calista! What do you think
of the action so far?"