This One's From The [Gutter] Heart

I never allow my personal feelings to affect what I write.
That's why, even though I live in Denver, home of the Colorado
Avalanche, I'd never speak unfairly about the [motherless]
Detroit Red Wings.

When it comes to class, integrity and fair play, the
[goon-laced] Red Wings rank with any team in [Roller Derby] the
NHL.

It's true that at times in the past the [store-bought] Red Wings
have exhibited some [criminal] aggressive behavior against the
Avalanche, but what else would you expect out of [freaking
animals] the best rivalry in all of sport?

Just because [referee-paying] Detroit jumped to a 2-0 advantage
on Sunday in its second-round playoff series with Colorado, and
just because on March 14 the Red Wings' Kirk Maltby [willfully]
accidentally broke Avalanche star Valeri Kamensky's arm
(Kamensky hasn't played since), and just because nine days later
Detroit [stole] acquired one of the dirtiest most penalized
players in NHL history, Ulf Samuelsson, just to intimidate the
Avalanche, I don't necessarily think the Wings are anything less
than [hitmen] gentlemen.

There is nobody Colorado fans [detest] respect more than
Detroit's fine coach, [Elmer Fudd] Scotty Bowman. True, Bowman
has done some [unspeakable] controversial things over the years
in this rivalry, such as screaming profanities in the parking
lot at the Avalanche's Claude Lemieux, who was walking with his
wife and child at the time. But this was only because Bowman
[was receiving signals from hell on the steel plate in his
brain] cares so much.

There are also a few isolated fans in Colorado who don't like
Red Wings [wussy-boy] star Sergei Fedorov. I, for one, think his
unusual white skates recall [Dick Button in Cabaret on Ice] a
simpler time. And, true, critics poke fun at his alleged
intimate relationship with teen tennis sensation Anna
Kournikova, but can he help it if [Woody Allen keeps stealing
all his dates?] unfounded rumors start going around?

And just because Fedorov is one of many Russians on the Red
Wings, that doesn't mean Detroit fans [are rooting for godless
Commies] can't relate to their players. In fact, I think if the
average Red Wings fan could actually meet one of his hockey
heroes, he would do what most fans do, which is buy him a cold
[bowl of borscht] beer.

Also, unlike many Coloradans, I think Detroit is a wonderful
place to [whack] meet somebody and, in fact, bring [charges] up
a family. The citizens should be [under house arrest] proud. I
once became lost in Detroit, and one [lit] local citizen was
more than happy to help. [He said, "Go right at the second
burning car and left at the corpse, and park. You can try and
buy your car back later."]

Some folks in Colorado poke fun at the fact that Detroit calls
itself Hockeytown, even though the [butt-lucky] Red Wings have
won only two [fluke] Cups in the last 44 years, whereas Montreal
has won 17 in that time. But what people don't realize is that
Red Wings fans eat, drink and sleep [in cardboard boxes] hockey.

In fact, Detroit fans, taken as a whole, [might have an entire
set of teeth among them] are delightful zealots for their team.
True, they kept pulling the fire alarm in the middle of the
night at the Avalanche's hotel in 1997. Also true, one of them
smeared dog feces on the door handle of Lemieux's car, but I'm
sure that fan probably [had some spare in her purse] meant it
only in good fun.

The Detroit media have pulled [grade-school] zany stunts in this
rivalry, too. For instance, one of the city's papers ran a
picture of bleeding Colorado goalie Patrick Roy under the huge
headline, BLOODY GOOD. The same paper printed WANTED posters
with Lemieux's face in the middle. That's just [so bush-league]
friendly competition. I'm sure a number of Red Wings fans had a
great time taping the posters to the walls of their [prison
cells] dens.

All in all, the Colorado-Detroit rivalry is about mutual
[loathing] respect. I can honestly say that if the Red Wings
were to play, say, Iraq, I'd be there [holding up a picture of
Saddam Hussein] supporting them. To me, the Red Wings represent
everything that is [fully prosecutable] good in hockey.

In summary, even though it looks like the [puppy-kicking,
handicap-space-parking, Michael-Bolton-listening] Red Wings will
eliminate Colorado, all of us in Denver hope they [grow goiters
on every square inch of their faces] go as far as they can go.

[And take the Lions with them].

COLOR PHOTO: DANA FINEMAN/SYGMA

When it comes to class, integrity and fair play, the
[goon-laced] Red Wings rank with any team in [Roller Derby] the
NHL.