Think you can ride me? Ha! Let me expound on that: Ha, ha!
Locomotive Breath--that's me, Hoss. I go 1,400 pounds and I've
thrown 12 of 13 riders this year, including nine-time world
champion Ty Murray. I just sold for a rodeo-bull record $50,000,
and I'm only five years old. Last week at the Pro Bull Riders
World Championships at UNLV's Thomas & Mack Center, I improved
my buck-off rate to 93.5% by throwing the only fools who got on
me. Murray, the winning rider, got $259,000 and a 14-karat-gold
belt buckle for five rounds of bullriding; I had to settle for
grass sprinkled with nutritional supplements and Gatorade, which
I chug out of a trough.
Bein' a bull ain't bad. Eat, sleep, spin around fast as I can on
occasion and twice a year get hooked up to an ejaculator, which
is exactly what it sounds like. My former owner, Terry Williams
of Carthage, Texas, says the thing looks like it came out of a
porno shop. How would he know? Says it's necessary, though,
'cause I might hurt myself having sex the natural way. (Now
that's bull!) Williams gets $200 for a tiny tube full o' my
semen, and trust me, I fill more than one tube. Try several
hundred, which are packed in nitrogen and shipped to livestock
breeders all over the country.
I travel about 15,000 miles a year with two dozen or so of my
bull buddies in a double-decker trailer. I worked as much as
eight seconds only one day this year (not countin' my time on
the ejaculator). Last March, Nick T. Buckley rode me that long
at the St. Louis Open. For that he scored 95 points, 1.5 points
shy of the highest total in the six-year history of the Bud Lite
Bullridin' is booming. A lot of folks are calling our tour the
next big thing. Me? Hell, I'd like to make the Pro Rodeo Hall of
Fame, maybe do Pamplona, run a few people over, then get a job
at Merrill Lynch. Five years or so from now I'll find me a
pretty little cow, settle down and head out to pasture. Till
then, I just hope the ejaculator is Y2K compliant.
--Locomotive Breath with Cameron Morfit
COLOR PHOTO: GARY JENSEN/PROFESSIONAL BULL RIDERS INC.