Answer: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. (Question:
What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?) A:
Kumquat. (Q: What do you say when calling your quat?)
During Johnny Carson's 30-year reign as host of The Tonight Show
on NBC, viewers were treated to these and other prophecies
presented in this manner, the insights of a mysterious visitor
from the East--seer, sage, soothsayer: Carnac the Magnificent.
"Touchback," Carnac would divine, before opening an envelope to
reveal the question: "What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas
Cowboys cheerleader touches you?" Alas, Carnac rarely used his
mystifying powers to solve the riddles of sport. Until now. So I
hold in my hand 18 envelopes. As a child of four can plainly
see, they've been hermetically sealed and kept in a mayonnaise
jar on Funk & Wagnalls's porch since noon today. No one--no
one!--knows the contents of these envelopes. But Carnac, in his
divine and borderline mystical way, will ascertain the answers
to the questions without ever before having seen them.
Carnac: I must have absolute silence....
Answer: Rusty Wallace.
Question: What do you get if you don't oil your Wallace?
Q: What be on Marv Albert's head?
A: Pete Rose and Norman Fell.
Q: What happened when Pete and Norman got on a seesaw?
A: Ernie Banks.
Q: Where do wealthy men keep their Ernies?
A: High and outside.
Q: Describe J.R. Rider at a picnic.
A: The brushback.
Q: What does Gene Keady's barber never ask for?
A: Touched by an Angel.
Q: What do waitresses get at the Anaheim Hooters?
A: Manute Bol.
Q. What do you say when Manute's facing a 7-10 split?
A: Near beer.
Q: Where is John Daly right now?
A: Jumbo Ozaki.
Q: At the movies, what costs 25 cents more than the medium
A: Clean and jerk.
Q: In two words, describe Bobby Knight.
A: Goodyear blimp.
Q: What do Tony Gwynn's teammates say to him every October?
Q: What should you do if you've never had Fecta?
A: Pac Bell Park.
Q: For an extra $2 million a year, what would Chan Ho Park
change his name to?
Q: What's the first thing that goes when you're traded to
A: Pulled hamstring.
Q: What's the primary ingredient in a pulled pork sandwich?
A: Doc Rivers.
Q: Name a successful urologist.
A: Dick Trickle.
Q: Who should see Doc Rivers?
COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO