Coming this summer to a theater near you:
Eight Men Out: An openly gay baseball team endures the
infamous Black Sox (with Brown Shoes) scandal of 1919.
Admission Impossible: Patriots linebacker Andy Katzenmoyer
applies to Harvard Medical School.
10: Pedro Guerrero receives the results of a court-ordered IQ
Shaving Ryan's Privates: It's payback time, as loathsome Chargers
quarterback Ryan Leaf is hazed at minicamp.
The 39 Steps: An NBA player is called for traveling in this
farfetched science-fiction farce.
Being John Jurkovic: An office worker finds a portal into the
oft-concussed head of an NFL lineman.
The General's Daughter: Bob Knight (Bob Knight) burps, bathes,
bullies, diapers, scolds, cajoles and spoon-feeds the obedient
apple of his eye (Roy Firestone).
Goodwill Hunting: Sportswriter shops for clothes.
Truly, Madly, Deeply: Polygraph experts answer the question, Is
O.J. Simpson nuts?
Less Than Zero: Enrico Fermi, the physicist who split the atom,
attempts to calculate the scoring average of Los Angeles Lakers
reserve center John Salley.
The Neverending Story: Ken Venturi begins a rambling anecdote
during final-round coverage of the Masters.
Rushmore: The New Orleans Saints issue a preseason directive to
disappointing running back Ricky Williams.
John & Yoko: A Love Story: In a cynical attempt to prove his
contrition, John Rocker befriends a female Asian New Yorker with
poor driving skills.
Pokemon: At the Winter Olympics, members of the last-place
Jamaican bobsled team are asked to describe their sled.
Love and Basketball: Shawn Kemp distributes lots of the
former--and very little of the latter--in this heartbreaking
9 to 5: The Heat defeats the Knicks in a nail-biter.
My Dinner with Andre: U.S. Open champion Andre Agassi is charmed
and fascinated by his dinner companion--even though he is eating
alone, staring at his own reflection in a stainless-steel napkin
200 Cigarettes: A customs agent who thought he had seen it all
examines the contents of Jim Leyland's fanny pack.
Anna and the King: Abandoning Sergei Fedorov and Pavel Bure for
L.A. winger Ziggy Palffy, tennis starlet Anna Kournikova
surpasses Wayne Gretzky as the most prolific scorer in NHL
A Wish Called Fonda: Closing his eyes and crossing his fingers,
Atlanta Braves owner Ted Turner hopes to make his estranged wife
Boxing Helena: Mike Tyson announces his next opponent, an
86-year-old woman from Ukraine.
Gone in 60 Seconds: A stopwatch, a postgame buffet and Orioles
manager Mike Hargrove.
Catch 22: What will Cubs rightfielder Sammy Sosa do when 100
fungoes are hit to him? (Our lips are sealed!)
COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO