To: British Open tour group
From: Alan Shipnuck, Director
Re: Itinerary for St. Andrews
Below are the details of the action-packed week we have put
together for you at the British Open. Remember, we're traveling
to the Home of Golf, so let's be on our best behavior!
July 17 9 a.m. Assemble at Logan International Airport.
9:05 a.m. Cocktails.
10 a.m. Depart on British Airways Flight 1776. We have arranged a
special in-flight screening of The Patriot.
July 18 8 a.m. Bus leaves for day trip to Carnoustie. Egg
McMuffins and keg onboard. Carnoustie is a long, difficult
course, so we have imported motorized carts for your convenience.
Be advised that the Scotch* (pronounced same as the single
malt--ha ha!) play at a brisk pace. Please limit practice swings
to six per hole, per player. Ditto cigar consumption.
2 p.m. Into the Bear Pit book signing, followed by a Q&A session
with author Mark James. (Suggested topics to explore with Mr.
James: Nick Faldo's contributions to European golf; the
importance of rookies in the Ryder Cup; the sanctity of the team
*The Scotch can be very reserved. Here's a possible
conversational gambit: "So, who do you like this week, Paul
Lawrie or Gordon Sherry?"
July 19 10 a.m. Walking tour/lager tasting at the Old Course. Be
advised that although the Old Course has no trees or ponds, and
the fairways and greens are scandalously underfertilized, the
track is considered, by Europeans, an important part of golf
history. To help you understand the subtleties of this unusual
design, we have invited America's own Scott Hoch to provide
analysis and commentary.
4 p.m. Cultural lecture: English, Scotch, Welsh or Irish? How to
tell 'em apart, and is there a need to?
July 20 9 a.m. Assemble at clock tower at R&A headquarters for
mimosas and pep rally to kick off the first round of the British
Open.* Not wanting to offend our gracious hosts, we have limited
the entertainment to a brief routine by the Dallas Cowboys'
cheerleaders and an appearance by Bruce Springsteen, who will
lead us in a rousing rendition of Born in the U.S.A.
10 a.m. Spectate at your leisure. In addition to a six-pack of
Sam Adams, we'll provide each of you with a six-by-nine-foot U.S.
flag. Please wave it whenever an American holes out.
11 a.m. Tiger tees off. Be advised the Scotch are set in their
ways when it comes to spectator etiquette. (You'd think they
invented the game.) Screaming, "You da man!" after Tiger's shots
is inappropriate. Please use the King's English, i.e. "You are
the man!" *You may hear the tournament referred to as the Open
Championship. Don't be confused. There is only one Open, and this
year it was played at Pebble Beach.
July 21 Some say the top Europeans* are hesitant to play in the
U.S. because they're chicken. We know better. They're simply not
good enough. See for yourself during the second round, before
they miss the cut. Below are the tee times of some notables.
7 a.m. Jose Maria Olazabal, Spain. A woman in the British Open!
10:42 a.m. Miguel Angel Jimenez, Spain; Miguel Angel Martin,
Spain. No relation.
1 p.m. Colin Montgomerie, Scotland. He's sensitive to noise.
Please don't snap pictures until after he has begun his
backswing. *We will provide detailed notes of their preshot
July 22 9 a.m. Assemble at merchandise tent for early Christmas
shopping. Regarding currency exchange, remember: One pound equals
11 a.m. Spectate at your leisure. If you need assistance, please
call 00 1 607 U GOT BAIL.
7 p.m. Black-tie gala hosted by George W. Bush, who will read
from Jose Enrique de la Pena's With Santa Anna in Texas: A
Personal Narrative of the Revolution.
July 23 The final round of the British Open!*
11 a.m. Go-Native brunch featuring bangers (hot dogs) and beer.
1:56 p.m. Final pairing (i.e., Tiger and somebody else) tees off.
2 p.m. Tiger victory party at our tent atop Swilican Bridge
commences with grain alcohol toast.
*Don't forget to wear red, white and blue!
COLOR PHOTO: MATTHEW HARRIS
COLOR PHOTO: (C)TONY ROBERTS/CORBIS