Answer Authority When Carnac does sports, you can't get the right question until you ask the right answer
Welcome once again our mysterious visitor from the East--seer,
sage, soothsayer--Carnac the Magnificent, who will, in his
divine and mystical way, ascertain the answers to your sports
questions without ever having seen them.
Ready, Oh Great One?
Carnac: I must have absolute silence....
Answer: Haywoode Workman
Question: How do you greet the guy who comes to do your woodwork?
A: Bimbo Coles
Q: What do naughty Lakers Girls find in their Christmas stockings?
A: Sacrifice bunt
Q: What should you do if a gunman demands your bundt cake?
A: Buck privates
Q: What do you see in Milwaukee's locker room?
A: Grant Fuhr
Q: Should John Rocker grant more interviews or fewer?
A: X-rays
Q: What do all Tampa Bay Devil Rays hope to become?
A: The PGA
Q: Where do dyslexics shop for khakis?
A: Whitey Ford
Q: Name two things you didn't see much of on the podium at the
Republican National Convention.
A: Dysentery
Q: What's Howie Long always doing on Fox?
A: Dude ranch
Q: What does Lenny Dykstra tell a waiter when asked his
salad-dressing preference?
A: Ali Baba
Q: What did sheep shout at boxing matches?
A: Junior Seau
Q: What does Ken Griffey say when he's hit by a pitch?
A: HBO
Q: What's that awful stench on wrestler Triple H?
A: Curly Neal
Q: What does the Queen say when knighting a Stooge?
A: Corking his bat
Q: What act of animal cruelty was Dracula guilty of?
A: Drew Barrymore
Q: The Atlanta Hawks should play Jason Terry less and...
A: Fred Funk
Q: After three days without a shower, what will you find on your
fred?
A: Jamaican jerk chicken
Q: In three words, describe Ben Johnson.
A: Marion Jones
Q: What does Elizabeth Taylor have?
A: Pearl Jam
Q: What's that stuff between Earl Monroe's toes?
A: Butch Huskey
Q: In two words, describe Renee Richards.
A: Flutie Flakes
Q: Why does Mrs. Flutie buy Head & Shoulders?
A: Mo Vaughn
Q: What should you do when your vaughn gets too long?
A: Down and dirty
Q: Describe Pat Riley's pillow.
A: Gooseberry
Q: Since his divorce, what can David Justice no longer do?
COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO
