Get with the Counterprogram Turned off by the Olympics? Here are TV alternatives we'd love to see

The Olympics aren't the only games on TV this month. No, every
network is counterprogramming with blockbuster sports specials of
their own, including:

Kids Say the Darndest Things (CBS): Adorable slackers say
whatever comes to mind, to the delight of avuncular host Bob
Knight.

Monday Night Football (ABC): Consummating his crush on the
"geniuses" and "warriors" who populate pro football, Dennis
Miller marries Broncos coach Mike Shanahan in a halftime civil
ceremony. (Partial Nudity.)

Webitched (Nick at Nite): From the makers of Bewitched, each week
two different sportswriters meet to complain about their jobs.

Crystal, Clear! (HBO): In his 43rd consecutive hour of fondly
recalling Mickey Mantle, Billy Crystal passes out in front of
documentary filmmakers--but is revived with defibrillation paddles
by poet Donald Hall.

The Donnybrook on the Powerbook (ABC): Buoyed by the ratings of
The Battle at Bighorn, ABC airs live prime-time coverage of Tiger
Woods playing laptop solitaire.

You Can't Say That on Television (Game Show Network): With the
arch of an eyebrow, contestants turn innocent phrases from the
world of sports--"pulling the goalie," "toeing the rubber,"
"playing laptop solitaire"--into vaguely salacious double
entendres.

The World Is Not Enough (Cinemax): Timberwolves forward Kevin
Garnett asks to renegotiate his contract.

JAG (USA): Stung by management's refusal to monogram his
jockstraps, Tigers slugger Juan Alberto Gonzalez feels unloved
and disrespected.

The Draw Caray Show (ABC): Cubs announcer Chip Caray and his dad,
Braves announcer Skip Caray, who constantly refer to their teams
as "we," are drawn and quartered by exasperated cable
subscribers.

The Crier Report (Fox News Channel): All the day's highlights of
Yankees rightfielder Paul O'Neill.

R*A*S*H (ESPN Classic): After sleeping with 20,000 women, Wilt
Chamberlain consults a urologist.

Everybody Loves Raymont (CBS): When a Queens family takes in
Patriots running back Raymont Harris, boredom gets evicted...and
hilarity pays the rent!

Diagnosis: Murdoch (CBS): Physician-detective Dick Van Dyke
solves this mystery: What the hell happened to the Dodgers?

Live with Regis and Eddie Lee (ABC): Regis Philbin finds an
unlikely new cohost--former Packers running back Eddie Lee Ivery.

Saved by the Bell (TBS): Still famished after 2 a.m. room
service, Blue Jays lefthander David Wells takes a taxi to Taco
Bell, where he secures the last chalupa.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar (Bravo): Still peckish after his visit to
Taco Bell, Wells searches in vain for a candy machine.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO