The Dice (and the Players) Are Loaded

Hey, kids, is America's hottest new board game on your holiday
list? It's called Sorry! (NFL Edition), and it lets you live the
life of a high-priced, irresponsible NFL megastar! Be the first
in your posse to get it!

START

Roll one die to see if you will finish college, as you promised
Mom, or declare for the draft.
(Any number: Declare)

Sorry! Your bathroom suitemate at camp is bacteria-rich
placekicker Sebastian Janikowski.
(Lose a turn)

Hottie believes you graduated from Electoral College, agrees
to hand inspection.
(Roll again)

Roll the die to see how many states you'll have to visit on
Father's Day.

Sorry! You're a receiver and you just got drafted by Pittsburgh.
(Lose career)

New NFL buddies invite you to go clubbin'. Don't realize you
need actual club.
(Call HMO)

Payday. Collect $76 million.
(Threaten holdout)

It suddenly hits you that your paycheck isn't Monopoly money.
(Roll again)

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? bracelet gets caught in handcuffs.
(Start over)

House too big. Can't find stashed ho.
(Roll again)

Sorry! Only babysitter in neighborhood is Mark Chmura.
(Lose two turns)

Confused, you tear off helmet and thump chest after giving up
80-yard touchdown bomb.
(Go back one space)

You're surprised to learn NFL drug tests are not taken by tutors.
(Start over)

Monday Night Football's Miked-Up feature reveals you to
be mindless monosyllabic moron ...
(Lose a turn)

...which is why Fox says there's a job waiting for you on its
pregame show the day you retire!
(Take two turns)

Before night of partying, you arrange for a designated driver...
(Roll again)

...who, unfortunately, is Brian Griese.
(Roll limo)

Uh-oh. Ray Lewis breaks up your fight.
(Lose two turns, one limb)

Celebrate! Thanks to your new venture with ex-owner Eddie
DeBartolo, you just opened your first offshore account!
(Double bets, roll again)

Sorry! Your ultraviolent gangsta rap CD flops because cover
accidentally has word spelled correctly.
(Lose a turn)

At NFL inquiry, you mistake Paul Tagliabue for wooden hat rack
and toss sable cape over his head.
(Pay $100,000 fine)

You just understood something Dennis Miller said.
(Go ahead two)

You just understood something Eric Dickerson said.
(Go back four)

Grand jury wonders why you needed to pick up 50 bottles of
cleaning lady's Vicodin prescription.
(Call lawyer)

Good news! You're on NFL Pro Bowl ballot...
(Go ahead two)

...Sorry! It's designed by Palm Beach County elections
supervisor Theresa LePore.
(Go back two)

Turns out your cool new Chinese tattoo means I ENJOY SMALL FARM
ANIMALS.
(Lose two endorsements)

You hide body in trunk of car. Too bad it's your body.
(Move in with lawyer)

Bad news: You're busted for homicide...
(Go back five)

...Good news: You're the keynote speaker at next year's NFL
Lifestyle seminar!
(Go ahead three)

Judge frees you on technicality, but now you're shamed, broke
and ruined...
(Go back two)

...which means your agent can recast you as a "bad boy" and
triple your endorsements!
(Go ahead one)

WELCOME TO THE XFL

FINISH

FIFTEEN COLOR ILLUSTRATIONS: ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARK ZINGARELLI