Please welcome, after one year in exile, our mysterious visitor
from the East--seer, sage, soothsayer--Carnac the Magnificent, who
will, in his divine and mystical way, ascertain the answers to
your sports questions without ever having seen them. Ready, O
Carnac: I must have absolute silence....
Answer: Daffy Duck.
Question: What did Dizzy Dean tell his brother when they walked
under a ladder?
Q: What should you do if a Laker Girl brushes against you?
A: The rough, not the fairway.
Q: How does Marty McSorley fight?
A: Sugar baby.
Q: What does Dick Vitale put in his coffee?
A: Heidi Heidi Heidi Ho.
Q: Describe four consecutive pages of the SI swimsuit issue.
A: Crunch 'n' Munch.
Q: Name the respective ab workouts of Eddie George and Tony
A: Jerry curls.
Q: What does Jerry Glanville do if you leave him too long on the
A: Caesar dressing.
Q: What does one see when looking at a cheerleader through the
peephole in the locker room at Veterans Stadium?
A: Bob and weave.
Q: Name the respective hairstyles of Dorothy Hamill and Marv
A: Iron Mike Ditka.
Q: What should you do when Mike Ditka gets wrinkly?
Q: Describe Rich Garces after he accidentally ate a woman who
approached his table for an autograph.
A: Kwame Brown.
Q: What is J. Crew's worst-selling color of roll-neck sweater?
Q: What does Ryan Leaf have on his butt?
Q: What does Steve Garvey do after meeting 20 groupies?
A: Cuban sandwich.
Q: What's the final (and most dreaded) number demanded at
Mavericks dance-team tryouts?
A: Gaelic hurling.
Q: What do you see in Times Square on St. Patrick's Day?
A: High and dry.
Q: Describe J.R. Rider in galoshes.
Q: What did Ty Cobb's wife do in the back of their Buick?
Q: What do other patrons do when Buster Douglas approaches a
A: Kellogg's Corn Flakes.
Q: Why won't Clark Kellogg's pedicurist see him anymore?
Q: What does a rapper do in a canoe?
A: Milk Duds.
Q: What did a lonely dairy farmer try to do to Chris Dudley?
A: Brian Griese.
Q: Why no one touch Brian?
COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO