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In Order Of Importance

Feeling listless? Boy, did you come to the right place.

Questions Actually Fielded by Sports Publicists

1. Where is the hockey ice stored when the Lakers play at Staples
2. Why does the U.S. always leave Greg Norman off its Ryder Cup
3. Which horse was a back-to-back winner of the Kentucky Derby?
4. Who's scheduled to play in the Final Four next April?
5. Can you tell me the name of Ken Griffey Jr.'s father?

Noise the U.S. Should Blare Through Huge Speakers until Osama Bin
Laden Comes Sprinting Out, Begging for It to Stop

1. Sound effects from a Fox football telecast
2. USC's fight song
3. Who Let the Dogs Out?
4. Dick Vitale one minute before a Duke-North Carolina tip-off

Fun Facts to Trade and Collect

1. Jack Nicklaus never graduated from college
2. It was nearly 43 years before Charlie Brown hit a home run
(March 30, 1993)
3. Pittsburgh is the only city in America that has at least
three major sports teams all wearing the same colors--black and

Signs That You May Be Too into Sports

1. Asking the barber if he could do your hair in the style of
Mel Kiper Jr.
2. Wearing a green jacket inside the replica of Augusta
National's Butler Cabin that you've built in your basement
3. Referring to your johnson as "Magic"

According to BANKRATE.COM, Compared with Someone Making $30,000
a Year...

1. A $275,000 house would seem to Tiger Woods to cost $130.74
2. A $40,000 SUV would seem to Alex Rodriguez to cost $47.62
3. A $40 dinner would seem to Kevin Garnett to cost 7 cents

Places on Which Fox Is Figuring Out a Way to Superimpose Cheesy

1. Don Zimmer's cheeks
2. Squatting Mike Piazza's crotch
3. Pool of spittle on the dugout floor
4. Foreheads of fans behind home plate
5. The moon

Real Quotes from Lovable Air Force Football Coach Fisher DeBerry

1. "We just had trouble shifting gears in midstream."
2. "It's tough playing Hawaii because they have all those
3. "Ninety-nine times out of 10 you're not going to win like

Best Actual Rodeo Names

1. Steve Dollarhide
2. Buster Record Jr.
3. Blue Stone
4. Spud Duvall
5. Rope Myers

Sentences That Have Never Been Uttered

1. "...and Mr. Siragusa will have the cottage cheese plate."
2. "I completely understand what you're saying, Mr. Dickerson."
3. "Thanks for the Christmas bonus, Mrs. Schott!"

Things That Should Be Retired ASAP

1. Oversized foam hands
2. Gatorade dousings of coaches
3. Al Davis's Members Only jacket--with him in it

Thinnest Books This Christmas

1. All My Best Buddies, by Bryant Gumbel
2. The Wit and Wisdom of Jerry Glanville
3. Shots I Would Never Take, by Michael Jordan

Lamest Column Ideas

1. Lists


"Ninety-nine times out of 10 you're not going to win like that."
--Air Force coach Fisher DeBerry