The Show

MAJOR LEAGUE PLAYERS WEIGH STRIKE DATES

They've narrowed it down to three possibilities: Aug. 16, Sept.
16 or Sept. 33.

So far, the most popular date seems to be Sept. 16. That way, the
players would lose only one paycheck. Thank the Almighty. You
don't want to see anyone suffer financially in all this.

The players' union is unified. Curt Schilling says he's willing
to walk out on only two days' rest.

But there is hope. Last Thursday the two sides had a five-hour
negotiating session. There was rhetoric, there was acrimony,
there was name-calling--but they finally agreed on five selections
for the bargaining-table cheese tray.

I'm starting to worry about Bud Selig. Yesterday he called a
press conference to announce that if you buy the Expos before
Sept. 1, he'll throw in free undercoating.

In other baseball news MLB is now sponsoring the Triumphant
Glory Series, where participating teams take the field wearing
jerseys from their most memorable era as voted by the fans. The
Texas Rangers will appear naked.

TEDDY BALL-GATE CONTINUES

Last week John Henry Williams produced a handwritten note from
November 2000 signed by his father, who asked to be frozen when
he died. And it must be authentic because there's absolutely
nothing out there with a bogus Ted Williams signature.

The note was left for months in some files in the trunk of John
Henry's car. What were the files marked, "Recipes"?

You know, maybe Ted Williams did want to be frozen. Just to get
the chance to one day tell Walt Disney he wasn't opening the hips
enough on his swing.

NFL TRAINING CAMPS OPEN

Are you like me? Do you prefer training camp's evil sidekick,
Mini-Camp?

Former No. 2 pick Ryan Leaf retired after four seasons. He plans
to put football behind him and concentrate on alienating people
in the business world.

And the 49ers announced they expect to consume 3,600 eggs during
26 days of camp--3,800 if Ron Stone wants an extra omelette.

LANCE ARMSTRONG WINS FOURTH STRAIGHT TOUR DE FRANCE

Armstrong won by 7:17. His victory margin would have been
greater if he hadn't gone off course three times to deliver
newspapers.

Even after Lance retook the lead in stage 11, he was never a lock
for the title. Thanks to changes in the format, stages 14 to 17
involved crepe-rolling.

Did you hear a French rider was kicked out of the Tour for
holding on to a team car during a climb? What an idiot. All that
training, all that dedication, and the guy doesn't think to just
hide in the trunk?

ALLEN IVERSON GETS A LOOKAWAY PASS

You knew this was coming a week ago Saturday, when Iverson
played in his charity softball game. He had one at bat, and his
attorneys worked out a walk.

Despite his problems with the law, Allen Iverson jerseys are
still flying off the shelves. And they've even sold a couple.

FRENCH FIGURE SKATING JUDGE ACCEPTS THREE-YEAR SUSPENSION

Terrific. She'll be back in time to screw up the next Olympics.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Gino Vanelli.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)