The Show

By applause, how many of you had Aug. 15 in your strike date
office pool?

GILLETTE WINS NAMING RIGHTS TO PATRIOTS' NEW DIGS. Too bad. For
another $75 million it could have been Yankees Suck Stadium.

Meanwhile, the Tennessee Titans still haven't decided what to do
about the former Adelphia Coliseum. So far, the best they've come
up with is Defraud Field.

Are you like me? Did you find John Madden's Monday Night Football
debut disappointing? Come on. Three hours, not one reference to
George Lazenby, Deke Slayton or Uriah Heep.

Big production changes this season on MNF. For the first time
ever Hank Williams Jr. will be allowed to use the telestrator.

It's official. If Steve Spurrier adds another Gator, the Redskins
will be eligible for federal Wetlands Protection funds.

MLB PLAYERS EASE UP ON STEROID RAGE. Last week the union proposed
that players be subject to mandatory testing. However, it must be
a written test.

Actually, the MLBPA is in favor of unannounced testing.
Unannounced testing. That's when a guy in a lab coat jumps out
from behind your sofa with a specimen jar and yells, "Surprise!"

According to a recent phone poll, 41% said that in the event of a
strike they would stop following baseball. The other 59% said,
"Hey, how'd you get this number?"

The small-market owners are desperate for money. Before the plane
took off on a recent road trip, the Royals had to chip in for
gas.

This is shocking. Turns out the FBI knew about Reds G.M. Jim
Bowden's mouth last winter and failed to act.

Speaking of diplomats, Texas Rangers reliever John Rocker issued
a written apology after making antigay remarks in front of a
Dallas restaurant. Hey, who said he'd never get his 1999 form
back?

You know what's really sad? This latest episode occurred just
when Rocker was starting to get people out with his new pitch:
the ethnic slurve.

TONY STEWART FINED $10,000 BY NASCAR FOR PUNCHING PHOTOGRAPHER.
Not only that, he was ordered to take a course in Frank Sinatra
Anger Management.

Stewart was also fined $50,000 and placed on probation for the
rest of 2002 by The Home Depot. What does this mean? He can't
come in with 500 feet of Sheetrock?

In other NASCAR news, Jeff Gordon filled in for Regis on Live
with Regis and Kelly last week. Did you see him? Looks like they
tried to do his hair and makeup in under 12 seconds.

NBC UNVEILS FALL SCHEDULE. Pretty shrewd. Sunday afternoon, it's
a brand-new three-hour drama, Law and Order: Special Teams Unit.

DIKEMBE MUTOMBO TRADED TO NETS. Strange way the trade was
announced. Allen Iverson allegedly kicked in Keith Van Horn's
door with a contract in his waistband.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Boz Scaggs.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)