The Show

Thank you. This is great. I feel like Don Fehr on Fan
Appreciation Night.

UGH-UST 30 The players are being a little cute. They say that
because baseball is a monopoly, the luxury tax should be $75. And
you have to pay only if you land on it.

President Bush has ordered both sides to keep working. Coming
from a guy who's in the middle of a one-month vacation while the
economy is in turmoil, this really means a lot.

The players and owners are still about $90 million apart. No
problem. Jerry Lewis can raise that Labor Day weekend.

Are you like me? Are you wondering if they'll bring in the
QuesTec umpiring machine to decide if the strike is legitimate?

Fred Wilpon is now the sole owner of the New York Mets. It was
an amicable separation. Nelson Doubleday got $135 million and
custody of John Franco's elbow.

The Mets announced their 40th-anniversary alltime team. The fans
selected Darryl Strawberry twice: rightfield and lefthanded
felon.

Meanwhile, Yankee Alfonso Soriano became the first 30-30 second
baseman. My question: Does that include the five homers and 10
steals he had for the Harlem Little League team?

SAINTS TRAINING CAMP BEING SPRAYED DAILY FOR WEST NILE MOSQUITOES
That's funny. I thought the league moved those mosquitoes to the
NFC South Nile.

The Saints have shifted Kyle Turley from right tackle to left
tackle. Big adjustment. He's spent the last three weeks working
on using his left arm to throw opposing players' helmets.

Not only that, he now has to protect his blind-side tattoos.

New Packers wide receiver Terry Glenn has already suffered two
injuries during training camp. And today the late Vince Lombardi
called him "she."

Don't miss this week's installment of Hard Knocks: Training Camp
with the Dallas Cowboys. Former lineman Nate Newton is arrested
for possession of the Cowboys' dime package.

Republican congressman and former Oklahoma quarterback J.C. Watts
pulled a hamstring running sprints at the Redskins' camp.
Actually, he hurt himself trying to go to the left.

Watts was carted off the field. And he fell to No. 5 on Steve
Spurrier's quarterback depth chart, behind John Reaves and Norm
Snead.

BEEM-ING UP AT THE PGA Amazing story. Seven years ago Beem quit
the Tour to sell cellular phones and car stereos. This happens a
lot. I was just talking about that with my marriage counselor,
Freddie Couples.

Fred Funk finished tied for fourth, which gives him a 10-year
exemption to all George Clinton concerts.

During Saturday's third round, winds gusted up to 40 mph. On the
bright side, it was a nice change to hear the term blustery used
to describe something other than Gary McCord.

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL REPORTER JILL ARRINGTON POSES IN SEPTEMBER
ISSUE OF FHM Don't get excited, she's not completely naked. Help
me out here. Technically, is that a Cover 2?

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL TO COSTAR IN WEEKLY DRAMA ON CBS I hope I'm not
too late with a title: Touched by a Brick.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Little River Band.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)