The Show

(Taptaptap) Is this thing on?

(Taptaptap) Is this season still on?

HELP ME OUT HERE What do you think the chances are we'll ever see
a Rob Manfred Bobblehead Night?

I don't want to complain about the pace of the negotiations, but
Steve Trachsel works faster.

Alex Rodriguez offered to give up 30% to 40% of his $252 million
salary if it would help move things along. And I'm not sure about
the connection, but a half hour after he said that, Anna Nicole
Smith had her wedding dress let out.

And San Diego Padres owner John Moores said he was willing to
shut down the Padres for the rest of this year and all of next
season. Well, sure--0-0 is the closest they'll get to finishing
.500.

Despite a leaguewide drop in attendance, the Yankees last week
were on pace to attract 3.6 million fans. Do you realize what
this would mean if there was real revenue sharing? Yeah, I don't
care, either.

Former replacement player Shane Spencer was allowed to meet with
some union players. And everyone in the union agrees: He makes a
dynamite gin and tonic.

Meanwhile, the man who caught Barry Bonds's 600th home run says
he won't share proceeds from the sale with his friends. He said,
"You can't find a person that deserves it more than me." No,
wait. I'm sorry. That's what Barry said.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON BEGINS--FINALLY! I don't know about you,
but I can't wait until it all culminates in the Rose Bowl on
Memorial Day.

Florida State coach Bobby Bowden has come under fire for having
the Seminoles use "Let's Roll" as their rallying cry. Wait a
minute. I thought "Let's Roll" was the rallying cry of Nate
Newton.

SERENA WILLIAMS SEEDED FIRST AT U.S. OPEN She was seeded second,
but she brought a note from her father.

On the men's side, you have to feel bad for Pete Sampras. He
didn't even make Bridgette Wilson's top 16.

They're really beefing up security for this year's Open. In
fact, it could take another five days before they stop patting
down Anna Kournikova.

PATRIOTS OWNER ROBERT KRAFT UNDERGOES SUCCESSFUL BYPASS SURGERY
Very serious. Doctors went in and found his arteries blocked by
Damien Woody.

In other NFL news Drew Brees has beaten out Doug Flutie for the
starting QB job in San Diego. Quick impression. Chargers coach
Marty Schottenheimer talking to G.M. John Butler:

"You tell him."

"No, you tell him."

"No, you tell him."

"Hey, not me. I got a family. You tell him...."

Former Colts linebacker Jeff Herrod remains in an Indiana jail
awaiting extradition to Nevada on charges he passed $75,000 in
bad checks. I'm confused. I thought you weren't allowed to hold a
defensive player.

TOBEY MCGUIRE TO STAR IN "SEABISCUIT" FILM This is smart.
Universal will audition 30 MLB owners and 750 players for the
part of the horse's ass.

My time is up. You've been great.

Enjoy T-Rex.

"I'm very intense"

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)