The Show

Good to be here. Anybody looking to buy unused strike jokes?
Priced to go, like Scott Rolen.

STRIKE? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A STRIKE? Are you like me? Don't
you think Bud Selig looks better on no sleep?

Both sides emerged from the MLB offices on Park Avenue and
declared it a win-win. Which makes two more wins than the Mets
had in New York during the month of August.

I was worried. I didn't want to turn on Baseball Tonight the
third week of September and see Peter Gammons and Rob Dibble
doing improv.

The owners were divided until the very end. As late as 8 a.m. on
the 30th, eight were strongly for Justin, 22 for Kelly.

In the event of a work stoppage, the Fox network would have
received more than $500 million in rights and compensation from
Major League Baseball. And they would have used the money to
produce a prime-time series, That '70s Strike.

In other baseball news, who cares?

Seriously, I think these Little League World Series players are
too influenced by television. Last week Louisville's star pitcher
Aaron Alvey signed with Arliss.

U.S. OPEN CLOTHED FOR ALTERATIONS In his second round match Tommy
Haas was ordered to change out of a sleeveless muscle shirt.
Either that or change his name to Tommy Haasselhoff.

Did you see Serena Williams's black Lycra outfit? She calls it
her catsuit. And it really is a catsuit. She puts it on, then
plays with a ball for 45 minutes until she gets bored.

The men's winner gets $900,000. Wow. That's enough to buy a dozen
hot dogs at the Arthur Ashe concession stand.

Food prices at the Open are insane. Last Thursday, I was forced
to lease some nachos.

Bomb-sniffing dogs at the National Tennis Center had to wear
photo I.D.'s. It sounds like a hassle, but how else are they
going to buy beer?

NFL HOSTS KICKOFF CELEBRATION IN TIMES SQUARE ON SEPT. 5
Everybody will be there. Dick Clark's going to interview his old
high school teammate Darrell Green.

Little different celebration in Times Square. At midnight, the
ball will be dropped...by the Jets' Richie Anderson.

NFL teams got down to their final 53-man rosters. Before being
released by the Broncos, Ola Kimrin kicked a 65-yard field goal
in the team's final preseason game. Ola Kimrin--isn't he married
to Ethan Hawke?

John Madden will demonstrate his Madden 2003 once a week during
Monday Night Football. Forget the demonstration. How about in the
middle of a blowout, an icon appears on your TV: "Abort game and
start over"?

By the way, I just got Madden 2003. There was a warning on the
side of the package: "Randy Moss may decide not to be included."

TIGER WOODS IS HAVING TROUBLE CONTROLLING HIS NEW NIKE DRIVER
The club has been so erratic, he's thinking of getting it
regripped with Ritalin.

DOMINIK HASEK TURNS DOWN RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF CZECH REPUBLIC Too
bad. Political experts believe the only way he can be beaten is
top shelf stickside on a screen.

MAVERICKS OWNER MARK CUBAN PRODUCING AN UPDATED STAR SEARCH First
prize: a $100,000 fine from David Stern.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Vicki Sue Robinson.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)