The Show

O.K., by applause, how many of you think the only Grand Slam that
really matters is at Denny's?

STRIKING DISSENT So, the baseball owners approved the new labor
contract by a vote of 29-1. Actually, the vote was 29 "for," one
"kiss my 26-time world champion large-market ass."

According to the new pact there can be no contraction until 2007.
Great. That means the infield at Tropicana Field will get a
second coat of paint.

Big breakthrough for the players: Rick Reed, Brian Daubach and
Damian Miller bobbleheads are now eligible for union benefits.

The Red Sox have opened a street fair on Yawkey Way serving
alcoholic beverages before and after games. It's all you can
drink for $19.18

Boston may be packing it in. I saw a listing in the paper under
today's starters: "Wakefield (9-5) or K. Couric (0-0)."

SAMPRAS STOPS AGASSI AT OPEN Hard to believe 1995 is nearly over.
Agassi-Sampras. The only thing missing from the last time they
played for the title was Brooke Shields. And hair.

Andre was stunned by the loss. After the match he climbed into
the stands looking for Barbra Streisand.

UPSETS GALORE IN NFL WEEK 1 Tell me about it. I dropped $550
taking under 28--on Steve Spurrier visor tosses.

The Texans won their opener. Bob McNair paid $700 million for the
new franchise. Actually, the price was $11 million, plus $689
million for shipping and handling Paul Tagliabue.

Major traffic problems around the team's new facility, Reliant
Stadium. Apparently, there's still a jam created by people
leaving the Astrodome from a 1996 Oilers-Steelers game.

In other NFL news, the Browns announced that beer sales will be
cut off at the end of the third quarter. And you must be 21 with
a photo I.D. to buy kibble.

Tennessee offensive lineman Bruce Matthews finally retired after
19 seasons. Football experts believe he'll be a first-ballot Hall
of Famer in 2007, and be able to come out of a three-point stance
in 2008.

USA SHOWS NO MEDAL IN WORLD HOOP CHAMPIONSHIPS On consecutive
nights the Americans lost to Argentina and Yugoslavia at Conseco
Fieldhouse. Luckily, there were no witnesses.

Sad. By the end of the tournament Spike Lee was heckling Reggie
Miller in Croatian.

BOB KNIGHT SETTLES LAWSUIT WITH FORMER ASSISTANT Knight will pay
$25,000 after admitting he shoved Ron Felling three years ago.
Not only that, Felling will get another $2,500 from Brian
Dennehy.

According to Felling, Knight shoved him into a TV. Go ahead and
laugh, but that's how Billy Packer got his start in broadcasting.

AUGUSTA NATIONAL BOLDLY MOVES INTO 12TH CENTURY I don't think
Hootie Johnson is playing with a full set of clubs. He's now
thinking of changing the name of holes 11 through 13 to Amen-only
Corner.

And last month he paid Callaway $25,000 to make him a Big Bert
driver.

RICK SCHRODER HOSTS THE NEW AMERICAN SPORTSMAN Did you see the
premiere episode? Fascinating. Schroder and Greg Kinnear go
grouse hunting, and find Sipowicz.

SPARKS WIN SECOND STRAIGHT WNBA TITLE Of course there will now be
comparisons with the Comets' dynasty. But come on, it's two
completely different eras.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The Vogues.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)