The Show

(Taptaptap) Is this thing on?

(Taptaptap) Is Fernando Vargas still out?

FALCONS CORNERBACK RAY BUCHANAN SUSPENDED FOR VIOLATING NFL
STEROID POLICY This is sad. Buchanan bought the steroids from an
undercover cop dressed as a pharmacist.

He's out for four games. But this is strange. During that time
he's allowed to play major league baseball.

This is resourceful. Browns coach Butch Davis has already
developed a package of five pass plays involving Dwayne Rudd's
helmet.

I guess this is a good sign. New Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden has
promised the offense will be 30% cuter this season.

HBO Sports president Ross Greenberg says new HBO Inside the NFL
analyst Cris Carter has "a Charles Barkley-like presence." It's
true. Last week he stole a tray of sandwiches out of Bryant
Gumbel's dressing room.

Did you hear that brand-new Ford Field in Detroit features an
artificial playing surface partially made of recalled Firestone
tires? Does this mean that every time the Lions score, the end
zone will explode? Because if that's the case, I'm there.

Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski must serve four days
in jail before Jan. 31 after pleading no contest to DUI. The
Bengals should plead no contest about 11 times before then.

NOTRE DAME IS 3-0! I haven't seen any games, I just found out
from reading George O'Leary's updated resume.

More changes in the BCS. Now 40% of the index will be based on
your ranking from the judges on American Idol.

And all ties will be decided by Brent Musberger's urologist.

BUD SELIG UNHURT AFTER MINOR CAR ACCIDENT Luckily, thanks to the
new labor agreement, his $500 deductible will be paid by George
Steinbrenner.

The accident occurred after Selig stopped for lunch at his least
favorite fast food joint, "Thank God It's Fehr Days."

Rangers owner Tom Hicks says the team won't raise ticket prices
next year to apologize to fans for the threat of a strike.
They'll also start a new tradition at The Ballpark: the
seventh-inning lap dance.

Everybody's trying to make up for all the protracted labor
nonsense. Last week the Yankees had a wonderful promotion: David
Wells Dentist Appreciation Night.

Dave Hollins is back after missing most of the season recovering
from the effects of spider bites. Be honest. How many of you are
thinking of a joke that ends in the phrase "web gem"?

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL CLEARED IN INTERNAL PROBE OF EAST BATON ROUGE
POLICE During Shaq's ride-along with the cops, a suspect in a
routine drug sweep claimed the Lakers center had physically
manhandled him and stuck his head in the toilet. Sounds like
somebody said something nasty about Kazaam....

In other NBA news Shawn Kemp signed with Orlando. Are you like
me? Are you thinking two months into the season Minnie Mouse will
file a paternity suit?

TIM MONTGOMERY SETS WORLD RECORD IN 100 METERS BY .01 OF A SECOND
Right after the race former record holder Maurice Greene tested
positive for sour grapes.

LOU HOLTZ ADMITTED AS MEMBER TO AUGUSTA NATIONAL FOR 2003 You
know, if he really had a sense of humor, he'd show up at the club
in drag.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Dave Mason.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)