The Show

Thanks, you're too kind. I missed the Emmy Awards. Help me out
here: Did Tom Arnold win for Best Supporting Sycophant?

PATRICK EWING ENDS 17-YEAR CAREER The Knicks plan to retire his
jersey. And the Gold Club in Atlanta will retire his pants.

Ewing will spend this season as an assistant coach for the
Wizards. Patrick, memorize this line: "More ice, Michael?"

FATHER AND SON ATTACK ROYALS FIRST BASE COACH TOM GAMBOA AT
COMISKEY You know what's sad? This just ruins it for all the
fathers and sons who want to go to Comiskey, jump out of the
stands and attack Gary Pettis.

The father claims Gamboa provoked the attack. Well, sure. Gamboa
was standing there with his back to the guy, clapping his hands.
He had it coming.

Let me tell you something. By the time this thing goes to trial,
this numskull will be swearing Gamboa gave him and his kid the
sign for run and hit.

Meanwhile, there are reports that as many as seven Mets may have
problems with marijuana. Apparently, some players are so high,
they still think the team has a shot at the wild card.

Are you like me? Are you waiting for Mike Piazza to call another
press conference and announce he's straight?

In actual baseball news, congratulations to Braves manager Bobby
Cox, who won his 1,800th game. To celebrate, Leo Mazzone sat
still for two batters.

This is nice. If the Angels win the AL West, Disney promised to
waive the height requirement on all rides for David Eckstein.

The Orioles' Mike Bordick set a major league record for
consecutive errorless games by a shortstop. (That sound you hear
is Cal Ripken getting his equipment bag out of the attic.)

PANTHERS NAME 36-YEAR-OLD RODNEY PEETE PERMANENT STARTER OVER
CHRIS WEINKE Pretty simple. They wanted to go with youth.

What's going on? First, the NFL refused to let Peyton Manning
wear black high-tops to honor Johnny Unitas. Now there's a
$10,000 fine if any player names his child Weeb.

Before their game against the Bengals, the Falcons gave away
Michael Vick bobblehead dolls. Unfortunately, a gang of
eight-year-olds showed up from Chicago and tried to take out the
knees.

The Cowboys released 410-pound offensive lineman Aaron Gibson.
Insiders believe he may come back. You know, gravity.

NFL Films is already planning a documentary on Gibson's career:
My Big Fat Freak Waiving.

TIGER WOODS WINS FIFTH WORLD GOLF CHAMPIONSHIP EVENT All right,
that's enough. From now on everybody else gets to play from the
white tees.

The U.S. will begin its defense of the Ryder Cup this Friday at
the Belfry in Sutton Coldfield, England. Sam Torrance will
captain the European squad. I believe he replaces Dr. Heimlich.

HOCKEY PRESEASON IS HERE And Bryan Trottier is the Rangers' new
coach. Nice touch. It coincides with the silver anniversary of
the "Potvin sucks!" chant.

HOOTIE JOHNSON UNDERGOES SUCCESSFUL BYPASS SURGERY Very serious.
Doctors found 90% blockage. And that's just in his membership
committee.

SOPRANOS SEEN BY 13 MILLION And don't miss the next episode. Bud
Selig gets whacked by a salary capo.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The Knack.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG