The Show

By applause, how many of you thought Lee Westwood is where John
Wooden buys jeans?

BASEBALL'S SECOND SEASON BEGINS Of course, it's not official
until George Steinbrenner switches from the lightweight
all-cotton turtleneck to the 50-50 cotton-poly blend.

Attendance at Atlanta's Turner Field was down 200,000 this
season. So the old adage is true: Fans will only put up with a
winning team for so long.

The Angels are feeling very good. Last week the players voted
half a series share to Danny Glover.

In other baseball news Pete Rose returned to Cincinnati to play
in a softball game with other former major leaguers. More than
40,000 fans showed up. What a shame. Pete had under 39,500.

Pete went 1 for 2 and dived headfirst into third base. His
stomach should stop jiggling by Game 2 of the NLCS.

RANDY MOSS WORKS IN AND OUT OF TRAFFIC Moss was arrested after
bumping a traffic control agent with his car. I guess it occurred
outside the five-yard legal chuck zone.

Randy spent a night in jail. He used his one phone call to tell
Daunte Culpepper he was open.

Are you like me? Were you just happy to hear about a Vikings
drive that did not end in a punt by Kyle Richardson?

In other NFL news Jimmy Johnson has rejoined Fox NFL Sunday after
a seven-year absence. Since 1995, however, his hair had been
working as a consultant to Terry Bradshaw.

RYDER CUP LANDS ON WRONG SIDE OF THE POND This is smart. Next
time, to ensure camaraderie, the American players will all stay
in the same dormie.

To speed up play, the captains agreed on no practice putting. And
no practice choking.

Incredible sportsmanship between the two teams. On the last day
Jesper Parnevik let Tiger Woods take a mulligan nanny.

There were some problems with the tape delay. At one point NBC
gave the Europeans credit for a hole when Colin Montgomerie made
a sand save--from the 16th at Valderrama.

L.A. SUPERIOR COURT ORDERS NEW TRIAL IN RAIDERS CONSPIRACY
LAWSUIT VERSUS THE NFL You know, jury selection will be the
closest thing Los Angeles has had to an NFL draft in six years.

A $1.2 billion conspiracy suit. Al Davis is clinging to his
"Second Paul Tagliabue" theory.

JORDAN RETURNS FOR THIRD FINAL SEASON He feels he can play 20-25
minutes a game off the bench. Well, at least that's what his
knees told Rick Reilly.

Michael will turn 40 during the season. That explains Nike's new
shoe, Gasping for Air Jordans.

MICHAEL ANDRETTI'S TEAM JUMPS TO IRL On the bright side, the
three drivers actually left in CART are all guaranteed podium
finishes next year.

You know your racing series is in trouble when the pace car is a
Yugo.

It's not all bad news though. Last week Paul Newman finally
developed a salad dressing using 40-weight oil.

UPPER DECK MARKETING MANCHESTER UNITED TRADING CARDS Each pack
comes with a little tear gas pellet to disperse hooligans.

MARK CUBAN GETS MARRIED The newlyweds are registered at
Tiffany's, Neiman Marcus and the NBA fine office.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy .38 Special.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG