The Sound of Musing
To be sung to the tune of My Favorite Things, from The Sound of Music:
Raindrops on roses and whiskers
on kittens,
Tyson in Memphis knocked out
by a Briton.
Islanders-Rangers and
Avalanche-Wings,
These are a few of my favorite
things.
Cream-colored ponies and crisp
apple strudel,
Dueling Zambonis and Don Zimmer's noodle.
Dot races, brat races, buffalo wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
Marge Schott's and Schottzie's respective
mustaches.
New York Mets pitchers who don't blow
smoke rings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When my Vikes choke,
My remote's broke,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Bluegrass Kentucky, where corn's in
the colonels,
Short lines at halftimes for trough-style urinals.
Drowning, in anger, a new set of Pings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Black pints of Guinness with priestly
foam collars,
Beer nuts and beer guts and Bowling for Dollars.
Toothless behemoths who win Lady Byngs,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Father-son hooligans perp-walked in handcuffs,
Manifold species of sportswriters' dandruffs.
Silence, like deep space, before Tiger swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the roof leaks,
When Don King speaks,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite
things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Fredbird (who's red-furred) and
Redford (as Roy Hobbs),
JoePa, whose own pants are
squarer than SpongeBob's.
Flattops with hightops (Unitas,
Yao Ming),
These are a few of my favorite
things.
Indy champs pounding cold milk
down their gullets,
Sport's most persistent and breathtaking
mullets:
Big Unit's, Gastineau's, Billie Jean King's,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Jet Skis and Gretzky (they're both great
on water),
Enos and Sergeant, my two favorite Slaughters.
Sampras, between serves, surveying his strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the Cubs reek,
Sail up s--- creek,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Shell-toed Adidas with wide, untied laces,
Twin Torii Hunter, a man-child in braces.
Bird bearing Boston on gossamer wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Tennisy Williamses ... Venus, Serena,
Cowbells, like death knells, at Arco Arena.
Dynasties (Lakers and Yankees and Ming),
These are a few of my favorite things.
Minor league hockey towns (Moose Jaw
and Kitchener),
Warm summer days that are longer than
Michener.
Scalpers (when busted in federal stings),
These are a few of my favorite things.
When my cable's
Been disabled,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
British announcers, all "Lovely!" and
"Splendid!"
Randy Moss having his license suspended.
Breaking in new mitts beneath mattress
springs,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Old flicks of old Knicks, when Willis Reed
limped out,
Bradley was preppy and Frazier was
pimped-out.
Draftees on TV right when the phone rings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Ben Gay and Fenway (both smell like
my grandpa),
Egging George Steinbrenner's house when
in Tampa.
Saturn or Russell, which one has more rings?
These are a few of my favorite things.
When I get mail
Postmarked from jail,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
"Hockey pucks" shot from the mouth of
Don Rickles,
Base stealers run down in two-minute pickles.
Full boats in Vegas with aces and kings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Driving through Wendy's in the Madden
Cruiser,
Mel Ott, Fair Hooker and Emerson Boozer.
Dale Murphy tanked up on Singapore slings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Mothers who saved baseball cards in the attic,
Curtain calls, Wiffle balls and Strat-o-Matic.
"When it's all over the fat lady sings,"
These are a few of my favorite things.
Rabid schnauzers
Ripped your trousers?
Are you feeling sad?
Then simply remember your favorite things:
You'll no longer feel so bad.
COLOR PHOTO: PETER GREGOIRE