The Show

Thank you. I know you're out there, I can hear you signaling for
a beer vendor.

BASEBALL PLAYOFFS: OUT WITH THE ALDS Be honest. Which catchphrase
do you like better for the Twins: Kiss my A's! or Contract this!

After the Game 5 win in Oakland, the Minnesota clubhouse
received a congratulatory phone call from owner Carl Pohlad.
Very emotional. Manager Ron Gardenhire could barely say, "Yes,
operator. I'll accept the charges."

The Yankees and the Diamondbacks were eliminated on the same day.
Although the players are calling it a work stoppage.

Are you like me? Do you think the new Basic Agreement should
include drug testing for that Angels Rally Monkey?

Several of the opening-round games were carried on ABC Family
Channel. I don't know what kind of cross-promotional deal they
worked, but the Twins had to clear playoff roster spots for
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

By the way, can these games drag on a little longer? The last
thing I watched on TV that long had a dead actor montage in the
middle.

CLEARANCE SALE FOR BIG LEAGUE SKIPPERS: ALMOST EVERYBODY MUST GO!
Six managers have been fired since the end of the season. Seven,
if you count Bobby Valentine in the mustache and glasses.

The Mets dismissed Valentine after six years. Bobby knew it was
coming. The last two weeks of the season he took the lineup card
to home plate with his resume attached.

The three front-runners to replace Valentine are Buck Showalter,
Chris Chambliss and Dr. Phil.

CELTICS SOLD FOR $360 MILLION Actually, it was $350 million, plus
$10 million for a crew to come in and remove all evidence of M.L.
Carr and Rick Pitino.

Meanwhile, NBA training camps opened. The Knicks' Latrell
Sprewell will be out for six weeks with a broken hand. At first
Sprewell said he had no idea how or when it happened. You know
that when he heard this, his teammate Kurt Thomas thought,
"Amnesia. Why didn't I think of that?"

VIKINGS HAVE BYE WEEK Help me out here. Does that mean they don't
play, or that Randy Moss isn't arraigned?

In addition to his four traffic misdemeanors, Moss was also
charged with possession of marijuana. Police found a small amount
in his car, next to a book, Intersections for Dummies.

Elsewhere on the NFL docket, Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski
was arrested for driving under the influence. Janikowski may have
had one too many. He blamed the arrest on a bad hold.

Typical drunken Oakland Raider: He was blacked out locally.
Kurt Warner will miss at least five weeks with a broken pinky.
Serious injury. It's on his Chunky-soup-eating hand.

And Johnnie Cochran is threatening to file a class-action suit
against the NFL for its lack of progress in hiring
African-American coaches. He's got the statistics, all he needs
is a word that rhymes with Dungy.

NEBRASKA LOSES TWO IN A ROW IN SEPTEMBER FOR FIRST TIME IN 45
YEARS On the bright side, it turns out Eric Crouch still has
three quarters of eligibility left.

WE MAY HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH AT AUGUSTA Hootie Johnson is seriously
considering admitting a couple of really effeminate men.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Gene Pitney.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG