The Show

Sorry I'm late. I was waiting for my ranking from the BCS.

WORLD SERIES: SOMETHING WILD Barry Bonds is finally on a grand
national stage. You think his head looked big before....

Baseball in San Francisco is a little different. You've heard of
the Rally Monkey? The Giants have a Rally Florist.

And don't miss the seventh inning costume change.

Fox is taking some liberties with that Virtual Manager. I saw
one: "Would you like to see a pitching change, or another shot of
those three babe lawyers on Girls Club?"

In other baseball news the Mariners gave manager Lou Piniella
permission to talk to other teams. He can't decide whether he
wants to spend next season kicking a Mets or a Devil Rays cap.

NET GAIN FOR NHL RINKS So far, the only complaint about the
safety netting is from Thrashers fans in Atlanta. They'd like it
to block out more action.

It's a good start. Now all the league has to do is put safety
netting around Theo Fleury's liquor cabinet.

DOLPHINS LURE CRIS CARTER AWAY FROM "INSIDE THE NFL" Wow. Jackie
Jr. had a longer run on HBO.

They've agreed on a one year deal with juicy incentives. Cris, if
you need a pen, I think Terrell Owens has one.

Meanwhile, are you like me? Are you waiting for Terrell to score
a touchdown and pull a telestrator out of his sock?

The league fined Owens $5,000 after the Niners-Seahawks game ...
for having his shirttail hanging out. Hey, what about another
$10,000 because the cap on his Sharpie wasn't made by Reebok?

In other NFL news the Jets have moved their business offices into
Manhattan. I believe they're located on Fourth and Long.

The Redskins are thinking of adding seats to FedExField. They
need a place to put all the guys Steve Spurrier is trying out at
quarterback.

The Falcons are selling season tickets for $100. Well, it's $100,
provided you buy four sets of louvered doors at The Home Depot
before Dec. 31.

Meanwhile, McDonald's was forced to recall its Brian Urlacher
bobblehead dolls. Embarrassing. Turns out the dolls had a higher
nutritional content than the Big Mac.

KARL MALONE BEGINS 18TH SEASON IN UTAH Eighteen years for the
Mailman. Shouldn't he at least be up to Mail Supervisor by now?

Despite injuries to Antonio McDyess, Latrell Sprewell and top
draft choice Frank Williams, many experts say the Knicks are good
enough to finish as high as sixth in the East. The Big East.

Stephon Marbury signed a lifetime endorsement deal with AND 1.
Marbury's line will be known as AND 1 for the Road.

Yao Ming finally received a visa from the Chinese government,
three months after the draft. And he would have had to wait
another 24 hours, but he canceled his side order of Peking duck.

FOX SPORTS GRILL TO OPEN IN SCOTTSDALE Try the Steve Lyons Hero:
ham on a stale b-roll.

FORMER DOLPHINS KICK RETURNER FULTON WALKER JR. FOUND GUILTY OF
SELLING MARIJUANA OUT OF HOME, SENTENCED TO SIX MONTHS' HOME
CONFINEMENT Sometimes, you don't have to come up with a joke.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The Cyrkle.

Bill Scheft's first novel, The Ringer (HarperCollins), is now
available. Mention Sports Illustrated and pay full price.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG