The Show

I missed the Country Music Awards. Help me out here. Did David
Eckstein win for Best Banjo Hitter?

PATS ROUT BILLS IN BALLYHOOED BRADY-BLEDSOE MATCHUP Tom Brady
threw for 310 yards, four touchdowns and completed passes to
everyone except Tara Reid.

Elsewhere, Bengals coach Dick LeBeau delivered on his guarantee
of a win over the Texans. LeBeau's getting cocky. He's predicting
there won't be a sequel to I Spy.

The Seahawks signed quarterback Jeff George. Mike Holmgren is
confident that by Week 10, George'll be able to disregard an
entire game plan.

Did you hear that the field at Giants Stadium is being resodded?
Last month, during the Browns-Jets game, the turf was so thin
Jimmy Hoffa downed a punt at the one.

The field's in terrible shape. The grounds crew has been mending
divots with Bob Tisch's old hairpieces.

KNICKS BUILDING FOR THE FUTURE They just extended the contract of
coach Don Chaney. That's Step 1. Step 2: Schedule three games a
month against the Washington Generals.

Cavaliers coach John Lucas served a two-game suspension after he
included the nation's top high school player, LeBron James, in a
workout at Gund Arena. Are you like me? Are you thinking one day
in Cleveland might drive the kid to college?

Telemundo announced its NBA broadcast team. Bit of a shocker: Dan
Issel and John Calipari.

The Hornets have tweaked their logo slightly to reflect the
team's move to New Orleans. Now the hornet is shirtless, drunk
and staggering down Bourbon Street holding a pitcher of stingers.

MAPLE LEAFS OFF TO A BAD START If they give up any more goals, Ed
Belfour will have to change his name to Bel4.87.

In other hockey news fans at Madison Square Garden have begun
chanting "Refund!" when the Rangers fall behind. You know, if
this works, Latrell Sprewell might try it with Scott Layden.

Tom Hicks has put the Stars up for sale. The club is valued at
$207 million, but he'll take $150 million from ARod.

ANGELS VICTORY PARADE DRAWS 100,000 Actually, it was 60,000, plus
the people standing in line for Space Mountain.

All your favorite Disney characters showed up: Snow White, Donald
Duck, Mickey Hatcher.

And meanwhile the man who attacked Royals first base coach Tom
Gamboa called a local newspaper and apologized. Yeah, he said
he's sorry he didn't wear one of those tattoos for
Goldenpalace.com.

NEW YORK CITY IS U.S. PICK TO HOST 2012 OLYMPICS I just hope Dick
Ebersol will be plausibly live to see this happen.

New York edged out San Francisco to make the finals. The two
cities are still battling for the rights to open a Liza Minnelli
theme park.

WILLIAMS SISTERS SIGN LUCRATIVE PACT WITH MCDONALD'S As part of
the deal their dad, Richard, gets to serve a four-year term
replacing Mayor McCheese.

A.C. GREEN REVEALS HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY LAST APRIL And I don't
understand this, but his agent, Mark Fleisher, had wanted him to
hold out until the second week of training camp.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Thin Lizzy.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG