The Show

Welcome to the column. Do you prefer Jeff Smoker, or non--Jeff
Smoker?

AUGUSTA NATIONAL POLL REVEALS 74% BACK ITS MEMBERSHIP POLICIES
The poll was conducted among a random sampling of 1,000 guys
named Hootie.

While 74% said they like the status quo, the other 26% responded,
"You go, girl!"

Meanwhile, Hootie Johnson has begun his own p.r. campaign. Last
week he was photographed buying a copy of Redbook.

BINGO LONG AND HIS TRAVELING EXPOS? The Expos will play 20 games
in Puerto Rico--but only if they come up with gas money for the
plane.

There was a rumor that the Expos would share Fenway Park next
season with the Red Sox. The Sox got excited when they did the
math: 1918 is 2003 Canadian.

Elsewhere, Alex Rodriguez picked up $300,000 in incentives by
winning a Gold Glove and finishing second in the MVP voting to
Miguel Tejada. Great. Now A-Rod can finally afford that 22nd car.

NFL CRACKS DOWN ON OVERWEIGHT OFFICIALS
You know what's really scary? Vertical stripes are supposed to be slimming.

They have to come up with some guidelines. It's gotten out of
hand. Last week a back judge grabbed Johnny Grier's microphone
and tried to order some nachos.

The Giants, down to two healthy receivers, were forced to sign
veteran Herman Moore. And that was only because Angie Harmon
wanted a two-year deal.

Oh, come on, like she hasn't worked routes with Jason Sehorn.

The Colts denied that owner Jim Irsay is being investigated for
prescription drug fraud. He may face a lesser charge: possession
of Bill Romanowski's phone number.

NASCAR TAKING EVEN MORE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
Next season the HANS device will be mandatory on all photographers within 50 feet of Tony Stewart.

The Cowboys may sponsor a car. To me, it won't really be a
Cowboys car unless Michael Irvin is handcuffed in the backseat.

I'M STARTING TO WORRY ABOUT PETE WEBER
His new bowling ball looks a lot like Ralphie on The Sopranos.

JURY AWARDS LEIGH STEINBERG $44.6 MILLION IN SUIT AGAINST
EX-PARTNER
Sounds high, but don't forget, 10% goes to his agent, Leigh
Steinberg; 15% to his manager, Leigh Steinberg; and then he has
to pay his lawyer, Leigh Steinberg.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Little Lulu.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG