The Show

Good to be here. Sorry I'm late. I was out clubbing with Livan
Hernandez.

NFL DOWN TO FINAL FOUR And by final four, of course, I mean the
number of controversial calls.

Did you catch the end of the Titans-Steelers game? Did I miss a
meeting? Is overtime now best-two-out-of-three field goals?

Tampa Bay routed San Francisco. Now the Buccaneers have two
objectives before Sunday's NFC championship: 1) Make sure Brad
Johnson is healthy, 2) Bribe God to heat Veterans Stadium to at
least 41 degrees .

Forty-Niners cornerback Ahmed Plummer left the game with a
dislocated shoulder. The trainer said he hadn't seen a separation
like that since Plummer tried to cover Amani Toomer.

Oakland easily took care of the Jets 30--10. By the end of the
third quarter there were only 10,000 guys left in Network
Associates Coliseum dressed like Darth Vader.

Meanwhile, more bad news for the Saints. They had such a poor
finish, New Orleans lost home field for Mardi Gras.

Denver's Clinton Portis was named the AP's NFL Offensive Rookie
of the Year. And Giants TE Jeremy Shockey received a new honor,
Most Likely to End Up Working for Vince McMahon.

DENNIS RODMAN ARRESTED IN NEWPORT BEACH A woman accused Rodman of
assaulting her. Which means he either faces a trial or a 10-day
contract with the Blazers.

Also in basketball, Kobe Bryant set an NBA record with 12
three-pointers, including nine in a row, in the Lakers' win over
Seattle. It's all part of Phil Jackson's new trey-angle offense.

All players still on an NBA roster after Jan. 10 get paid for the
entire season. This is why Jan. 9 is known around the league as
"Dwayne Schintzius Eve."

A game between the 76ers and the Jazz last month was delayed when
someone threw a rat on the floor. Which raises the question: Was
this someone a fan, or a vendor with bad touch?

EDDIE MURRAY AND GARY CARTER GET ELECTED TO THE HALL OF FAME Not
only that, the writers voted to allow Pete Rose to use the men's
bathroom at Cooperstown Mobil.

The Tigers are moving the left centerfield fence at Comerica Park
25 feet closer to home. Experts believe this will increase home
runs by 50. Fifty-two if you count homers by the Tigers.

SENATORS FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY Desperate fiscal situation in
Ottawa. Last week at the Corel Centre they had to pass the hat to
raise gas money for the Zamboni.

In other NHL news the Maple Leafs have introduced a "Kids' Night
Out with the Leafs" program. Pretty good deal. For $99 you get
two tickets, two small sodas, a popcorn and your choice of a face
wash from Tie Domi or Darcy Tucker.

ITALIAN COURT ORDERS ALLEGED RUSSIAN MOBSTER WHO WAS AT CENTER OF
OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATING SCANDAL EXTRADITED BACK TO U.S. While he
awaits trial, ABC wants him to fix the results of American Idol.

ESPN WILL LAUNCH 24-HOUR ESPN DEPORTES Which raises the question:
What's Spanish for "Boo-yah!"?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Brownsville Station.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)