The Show

Attention moviegoers: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days has nothing to
do with the Red Sox and Bartolo Colon.

JUDGE CLEARS LEBRON JAMES He's free to rejoin his high school
team despite accepting gifts. However, he is not allowed to
become president of the USOC.

LeBron was cleared to play in last weekend's Prime Time Shootout
in Trenton. Although he was forbidden to use the phrase "new
jersey."

You know the saddest part of this whole story? Wes Unseld and
Gale Sayers would have had to pay retail.

LIONS NAME STEVE MARIUCCI COACH Mariucci, of course, was let go
by the 49ers over "philosophical differences." He wanted to run
the best Coast offense, and management preferred a game plan
based on the works of Hegel.

In another recent coaching move, the Vikings promoted George
O'Leary to defensive coordinator. Although on his resume he
claims he's been promoted to Senate majority leader.

WHITE SOX SELL STADIUM NAMING RIGHTS TO U.S. CELLULAR However,
the fans will still be free to call it Comiskey Park ... for 300
anytime minutes a month.

U.S. Cellular Field. I can't wait for "Pocket Vibrator Night."

Umpire John Hirschbeck was suspended for 10 days for using
inappropriate language in a conversation with a major league
executive, reportedly Rob Manfred. However, the suspension can be
reduced to three days if he carpools to sensitivity training with
Bruce Froemming.

In other off-season news, the Angels lost Alex Ochoa and Orlando
Palmeiro to free agency. Well, there goes that dynasty.

CAROLINA TRADES ALL-STAR SAMI KAPANEN TO THE FLYERS Immediately
after the deal, the Hurricanes were downgraded to a tropical
drizzle.

With Kapanen gone, the Canes' best skater is now Kristi Yamaguchi
Hedican.

Meanwhile, Hockey Night in Canada continues to make changes to
try and lure new viewers. So far the best idea is a version of
The Bachelor, when Don Cherry's bull terrier chooses among 25
bitches.

NBC CHANNELS TO AIR 806 1/2 HOURS OF 2004 SUMMER GAMES Not only
that, NBC is increasing the amount of total live-event coverage
45%--to 23 minutes.

The Games will air somewhere on TV 24 hours a day, in-cluding 13
hours a day on Bravo. Here's the breakdown: An hour of actual
events, 12 hours of that Inside the Actor's Studio guy asking
three questions.

MARTHA BURK NOW HELPING WNBA PLAYERS' ASSOCIATION What does this
mean? She'd like to see them admit 70-year-old Southern men?

Meanwhile, Spalding's Infusion is now the official ball of the
WNBA. Perfect. They can use it to pump up attendance figures.

MILLER LITE OFFERS FANS FREE SIX-PACK IF RUSTY WALLACE WINS
DAYTONA 500 Are you like me? Are you wondering what Viagra will
offer if Mark Martin wins?

EAST BEATS WEST IN ALL-STAR GAME I missed the opening. Help me
out here: Did Martina McBride step aside so Jordan could sing the
national anthem?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy C.W. McCall.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG