The Show

Sorry if I seem a little down. My editor put me on probation. He
found out I had my picture taken with the ref who worked the game
with the ref who had his picture taken with LeBron.

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT

All the Yankees' starters arrived, and Tampa's population grew
enough to get another congressman.

The Mets signed David Cone, 40, to an AAA contract. Or is that an
AARP contract?

Their rotation will be set when Jerry Koosman gets out of his
assisted-living facility.

Trouble at the White Sox training camp. They held their first
mandatory workout, and the shirtless father-and-son team were
no-shows.

In other baseball news the Red Sox will wear red socks this
season. If this doesn't tell you the new owners aren't serious
about putting a championship team on the field, you're just not
paying attention.

The commissioner's office has laid off 26 full-time employees,
including the guy who used to say, "Would you mind filling this
up, Mr. Caminiti?"

ANNIKA SORENSTAM ACCEPTS INVITATION TO PLAY IN THE COLONIAL

She'll have to play from the back tees. But, on the bright side,
if she makes the cut, she'll be allowed to run into the woods to
take a leak.

Sorenstam would be the first woman to play on the PGA Tour in 58
years. Wait a minute. Didn't Jan Stephenson play a round in the
mid-'70s? No, that's right. She played around in the mid-'70s.

Annika got into the tourney on a little known exemption. The
"Let's drive Hootie Johnson nuts" exemption.

Speaking of which, Martha Burk recently visited the town of
Augusta. She checked out some potential sites for an anti-Masters
demonstration, then crashed a special stag screening of The
Hours.

SI POLL SAYS FAN INTEREST IN NBA DOWN 40% IN LAST FIVE YEARS

It's not all bad news. In the last five years Michael Jordan
retirements are up 200%.

David Stern dismissed the poll as "junk science." Junk science.
Was that Shawn Kemp's major?

The NBA All-Star Game was the most watched basketball game in
cable-TV history. Not only that, it was the second-highest rating
ever for TNT, just behind its one millionth showing of The
Shawshank Redemption.

The Lakers are finally above .500. And, according to Stern,
they've already locked up the No. 9 seed.

I'm starting to worry about Pat Riley. Now he's complaining about
the officiating on The Bachelorette.

FORMER COWBOYS QUARTERBACKS ROGER STAUBACH AND TROY AIKMAN START
WINSTON CUP TEAM

Are you like me? Are you thinking this will be the first car to
leave a race with a concussion?

Meanwhile, Domino's is now the "official pizza" of NASCAR. And
the two most popular toppings are pepperoni and R.J. Reynolds
tobacco.

NFL CONSIDERING NEW PLANS FOR DECIDING OVERTIME

So far, the two best ideas are a) the first team to score six points wins or b) three rounds of Pictionary with the assistant coaches.

CBS DEVELOPING SITCOM BASED ON LIFE OF TONY KORNHEISER

I believe the tentative title is Everybody Loves Rogaine.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Vanilla Fudge.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG