The Show

O.K., I've read all the post-Swimsuit Issue letters, and you've
made your point. From now on, there will be less cleavage in this
column. (Les Cleavage. Wasn't he a backup tight end on the 1972
Raiders, behind Raymond Chester?)

TYSON KO'S ETIENNE IN 49 SECONDS In a related story, Showtime has
changed its motto from No limits to No refunds.

Big night for Showtime. Jay-Z, followed by JV.

Poor Clifford Etienne. Forty-nine seconds. On the bright side
Peter McNeely finally has someone he can make fun of.

Quite a week. Tyson didn't show up at the gym for three days; he
missed a scheduled flight to Memphis; he got a tattoo on his
face; he canceled the fight; then he changed his mind. Well, at
least his behavior wasn't erratic.

During the time Mike had backed out of the fight, promoters in
Memphis scrambled to get a new opponent for Etienne.
Unfortunately, Mitch (Blood) Green couldn't get the day off at
Bed, Bath & Beyond.

On the undercard, former Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding lost
in her pro boxing debut. But seriously, after you've danced
topless in a wedding dress, isn't everything else anticlimactic?

PISTONS TOPS IN EAST It's the first time they've led this late in
a season since 1990. Or 11 Grant Hill ankle operations ago.

This year the Pistons made extensive improvements to The Palace
at Auburn Hills. Each rest room is now manned by an attendant. Of
course, if there are two attendants, they play a zone.

Maybe I made this up. I was watching an old episode of The White
Shadow, and I swear halfway through, Kobe Bryant shows up and
hits for 42.

Not to be outdone, Michael Jordan became the first to score 40
points after his 40th birthday. Am I wrong, or is he playing well
enough to retire two more times?

SPRING TRAINING BEGINS Call me a baseball traditionalist, but it
just isn't spring training until Jose Canseco is in handcuffs.

Canseco was locked up for numerous probation violations,
including leaving Florida for more than 30 days. He had no
choice. He was a character witness for the Texas woman who ran
over her husband.

Elsewhere, Barry Bonds underwent minor surgery on his left elbow.
No big deal. He had it removed, covered in polyurethane, then
grafted over his right elbow so he can really lean over the
plate.

The most exciting part of the procedure was when the surgeon
dropped his scalpel and two guys wrestled for it before being
dragged into court.

Dodgertown in Vero Beach has undergone a $7 million renovation.
Isn't it nice to hear about the Dodgers spending $7 million on
something that won't wind up on the disabled list?

Unfortunately, the Dodgers still need Rupert Murdoch to come up
with another $5 million to build a state-of-the-art apology to
Sandy Koufax.

LEBRON JAMES TO HAVE JERSEY RETIRED Of course I'm happy for the
kid. But I just hope St. Vincent--St. Mary can somehow make a
little dough off this.

CART UNVEILS NEW CORPORATE LOGO FOR 2003 SEASON It's three
open-wheeled cars leaving to go to the IRL.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Billy Joe Royal.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG