The Show

Good to be here. Be honest, how many of you still think John
Deere makes a scouting combine?

LEADER OF KU KLUX KLAN SPLINTER GROUP SAYS HE'LL PROTEST IN
SUPPORT OF AUGUSTA MEMBERSHIP POLICIES A KKK splinter group? What
does that mean, they burn kindling on your front lawn? Or do they
wear fitted sheets?

Don't kid yourself. Klansmen are big golfers. But they'll only
hit a hooded seven-iron.

NFL FREE AGENTS ROAM THE EARTH Dallas released Emmitt Smith.
Which raises the question: Does the Cowboys' Ring of Honor have a
hard salary cap?

In other NFL news, the Steelers released quarterback Kordell
Stewart. The move will save them $6.3 million. They'll use the
money to pick up a free agent, or buy the Penguins.

The Colts got kicker Mike Vanderjagt to restructure his contract.
It was either that or have Peyton Manning designate him a
"franchise idiot."

PHIL JACKSON HAS KIDNEY STONE REMOVED Finally, a rock Kobe Bryant
didn't want.

He had a lot of trouble passing it. Oh, wait a sec. I'm still
talking about Kobe.

Laker Nation is really grateful. Jackson's urologist is now
dating Lara Flynn Boyle.

LEAGUEWIDE LOSSES IN THE NHL THIS SEASON ALLEGEDLY $250 MILLION
Do you know what that's called in this economic environment? A
rousing success.

The league is a mess. Nashville is thinking of changing the
team's name to the Creditors.

Also in the NHL, the Bruins may be sending a message. March 4 at
the FleetCenter is Robbie Ftorek Bobbleheadless Night.

THOUSANDS OF NIKE SHOES ADRIFT AFTER SPILLING FROM CONTAINER SHIP
It's part of Nike's new Air Valdez line.

Water damage caused the shoes to shrink so much they fit the kids
who made them.

In other sneaker news, Pony hired adult-film stars for its new ad
campaign. Too bad Just Do It is already taken.

You thought you saw a lot of tongue on the old Ponys....

IN NEW BOOK DAVID WELLS SAYS HE WAS "HALF DRUNK" WHEN HE THREW
HIS PERFECT GAME Boomer wanted to get rid of his hangover, but
six innings into the perfecto everyone was so superstitious, the
beer vendors wouldn't go near him.

Wells says he'd gotten drunk at a Saturday Night Live cast party.
I know he's just trying to sell his book, but you don't hear Don
Zimmer bragging about hitting fungoes after being out all night
at the Golden Girls' wrap party.

Wells says he was pretty blitzed. All he recalls about the SNL
party is that he shook off Molly Shannon three times.

Elsewhere, the Devil Rays have 33 nonroster invitees in camp. The
breakdown: 18 pitchers, seven position players and eight guys to
shag caps thrown by Lou Piniella.

COLLEGE OFFICIALS HAVE SUMMIT ON FAN MISBEHAVIOR Not much
happened. They agreed to limit replays of controversial calls and
to double the number of Ritalin vendors at Cameron Indoor
Stadium.

USA TODAY PUBLISHES TOP 10 HARDEST THINGS TO DO IN SPORTS Big
surprise at No. 1: Getting former USOC CEO Lloyd Ward to fly
coach.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The Troggs.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG