The Show

Sorry I'm late. I was tending the pin for Scott Hoch.

MARCH MADNESS BEGINS Big weekend at ESPN: Selection Sunday, which
came the day after Sanction Saturday.

Thirty-two teams automatically made the dance. Thirty-one
conference winners and an at-large berth for Rick Majerus.

I screwed up my office pool. I had Georgia with ineligible
players and St. Bonaventure with academic fraud.

Help me out here. Is IUPUI an actual school or Tony Cole's last
report card?

Are you like me? You don't care who wins or loses the NCAAs, you
just hope that Coca-Cola makes some money off this.

Coca-Cola will be sponsoring this year's tournament. They'll
start with a 64-ounce bottle, then 32, then 16....

THIS JUST IN: JOSE MESA TESTS POSITIVE FOR DANGEROUSLY HIGH
AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE In an interview Mesa said if he faced former
teammate Omar Vizquel 10 times, he'd hit him 10 times. Do you
know what that means? His control is back.

Vizquel ripped Mesa in his autobiography. Otherwise the book was
tame. The most scandalous revelation: In the famous '96 game
against the Red Sox when Omar had six RBIs, he did it with a
hangnail.

SUNS TRY TO MAKE UP WITH BARKLEY After Sir Charles claimed he was
denied an opportunity to buy season tickets, the team offered him
two courtside seats. They'll be ready in three weeks, they just
need to install the heavy-duty shocks.

The average age of a Suns season-ticket holder is 51. Which
explains the P.A. guy coming on during timeouts and yelling,
"Make some noise if you have acid reflux!"

The average age is 51. But it's a dry 51.

NFL ASKS EIGHT OFFICIALS TO RESIGN Asking them to resign? Who's
behind that strategy, Richie Phillips?

In other NFL news the Patriots acquired coveted free-agent
linebacker Rosevelt Colvin and former All-Pro safety Rodney
Harrison. In a related story the Redskins stole three blocking
sleds from the Jets.

The Patriots have increased the handling fee on season-ticket
accounts by 150%. Although, they prefer to call it the "tuck
rule."

MARTHA BURK SUES AUGUSTA FOR PROTEST PERMIT Not to be outdone,
some Klan members have filed a request to have holes 11 to 13
renamed Amen KKKorner.

Town sheriff Ronnie Strength tried to appease Burk by offering
her an alternative protest site: Augusta, Maine.

NOTHING BUT ACTION AT NHL TRADING DEADLINE Forty-six players
changed teams last week. Unfortunately, Jaromir Jagr had under 45
1/2 and dropped a hundred grand.

I don't want to tell anyone their business, but Penguins G.M.
Craig Patrick should pitch a show to ABC: Who Wants to Dump a
Millionaire?

Sad what's happened in Pittsburgh. Last week they wanted to pull
the goalie because they didn't have an extra skater.

VILLANOVA ENDS UCONN WOMEN'S STREAK AT 70 The Wildcats celebrated
by NOT making unauthorized phone calls to everyone they know.

BOB UECKER NAMED TO HALL OF FAME And this is official: On his
plaque he'll be wearing a cap from Mr. Belvedere.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Beau Brummels.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG