The Show

Good to be here. I missed the Tony Awards. Help me out here. Did
the Mighty Ducks win for Best Revival?

FUNNY CIDE'S VISA DECLINED AT BELMONT Empire Maker spoiled the
New York-bred's bid for the Triple Crown. Now, I guess all that's
left for the gelding is to be put out to stag.

Still, it was a great five weeks, and in his honor, Funny Cide's
owners renamed themselves No-Sackatoga Stable.

They say the gelding process can have a calming effect. Hey, it
worked for Richard Simmons.

SAMMY SOSA: BULLETIN BOARD MATERIAL? Cork was found after Sosa's
bat broke in Tuesday's game at Wrigley against the Devil Rays.
And what are the odds of this? Royals pitcher Jason Grimsley flew
in from Los Angeles to steal the bat out of the umpires' room.

Sammy says he only uses a corked bat in batting practice. Yeah,
and Gaylord Perry only used K-Y jelly on English muffins.

According to an ESPN poll, 80% said the incident would severely
hurt Sosa's reputation. And the other 20% said, "If I answer this
poll, do I get a fleece?"

After the incident Major League Baseball X-rayed 76 of Sosa's
bats. And I don't get this. They also X-rayed Kerry Wood.

Meanwhile, interleague play is in full swing. All week Edgar
Martinez can be reached at Club Med.

A COUPLE OF PEOPLE WIN FRENCH OPEN Here's how little interest
there was in the Justine Henin-Hardenne-Kim Clijsters women's
final: People in Belgium were switching to Arena Football.

Serena Williams felt the crowd at Roland Garros was unduly
hostile toward her during her upset loss to Henin-Hardenne in the
semis. Rude, hostile and unsupportive to an American? I'm sorry,
that just doesn't sound like the French.

DAVID STERN BITTERLY CONTESTS CLAIMS OF LAGGING TV RATINGS FOR
NBA PLAYOFFS Or something like that. I wasn't watching.

Don't forget the winner of the NBA Finals gets home field
advantage in next year's All-Star Game.

GATTI WINS RUBBER MATCH WITH WARD Not only that the epic third
battle between the two junior welterweights delivered a huge
audience for HBO's new X-rated boxing show, G-string Duvas.

In other boxing news a torn chest muscle has forced Kirk Johnson
to pull out of his scheduled June 21 bout with heavyweight
champion Lennox Lewis. That's less than two weeks away. Does
anybody have Peter McNeely's phone number?

O.K., how about Roy Jones Sr.?

Lewis recently filed a $385 million lawsuit against Don King.
Help me out here. If Lennox wins the suit, isn't King entitled to
half?

RICK NEUHEISEL TRYING TO KEEP JOB AMID ACCUSATIONS OF GAMBLING
The Washington football coach allegedly won $20,000 in the 2002
NCAA basketball tournament pool. However, Neuheisel claims he had
a Husky booster come in to install his brackets.

MARIAH CAREY TO DESIGN SEXY GOLF CLOTHES FOR WOMEN All the shirts
will have a plunging neckline, to match her career.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Bobby Goldsboro.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.